Are you putting your happiness in the right 'basket'?

It has been a while since I write something in the blog.
One funny thing that I notice about myself, I tend to write more when I am facing adversity in life :)

Let's talk about happiness (again)
I just learned that most human, lie their happiness somewhere else but not within themselves.

Have you ever think like this " I must be feeling super happy if....xxx"
and you can fill the xxx part with anything, any circumstances that you think is perfect timing to be happy.

You think you'll be happy when you arrive somewhere, or getting something, or when things happen in your family or your kids, let's label this "Ideal Situation" for the context in my writing today.  

That's very dangerous thought to begin with.
It is like committing to unhappiness when that ideal situation is not fulfilled.
and if we think about it logically, why would you let external situation control your happiness?

It's hard to notice how your brain tricks you, it is like a super enhanced defense mechanism, but it is misleading defense mechanism!

You will not die or getting harmed when the ideal situation is not achieved. You will be ok, alive and perfectly ok. Not getting what you want on the timing that you wish will not harm you even a bit.

So think about it again consciously.
Where do you put your happiness? is it somewhere that you can control? or it is somewhere outside your control? Stepping up to adulthood mean you will need to choose rational over wishing upon a star, and it is one of the way to better manage your expectation when things not always go your way.

Thought process to be happy

I have been writing about many topics on happiness.
Mathematic of happiness, on being grateful, aftermath of happiness and so on.

Apparently, the key to happiness is even simpler than the things that I have wrote before, well... simple to say but never easy to be done in reality.

The key to happiness is really to decide to feel happy.
I know, I know. It is cliché.. and super tough. But it really is.

Everyday in life, channel your energy and focus to feel happy.
Wake up in the morning and breathe, don't let the thoughts of future and past disturb your inner peace. Breathe and decide to simply feel happy, fill yourself with simple joy - start counting the beautiful things that you have in your life.
In my case, it is the sunshine, the friends and family that I have, the supports I got from my colleagues, the shelter that I owned.

Life is not perfect, and it will never be, so perhaps it is just how we perceive and see things.

I have a frantic and busy life, and sometimes it drives me craaazyyyy
but at times, I just decided and think "ok, life is crazy and then what..? I just do things that I can do, I try my best, I am human and need some sleep time, eat time, and break time. I did my best, if it is not enough for other people then be it. " and I decide to feel happy and content .

That's it, that is the thought process to be happy.
not easy, but with practice and more practice, slowly but sure.. it starts to work.

New Year Resolution for 2016

My big theme for 2016 is "Live life to the fullest" with some sub theme around embracing the childhood in me and be more mindful about my daily life, what happened and what I've been going through.

It takes me years to understand that I have a different life plot compare with other people and even more years for me to accept it. 
I am coming too fast on several areas and coming too slow for some other areas.
I can share that I had a tough childhood time, in which I develop my survival instinct and urge to take responsibility faster than any other kid. Looking back, I am not quite sure that I had a chance of being silly as a kid, or being imaginative as much as I want, life push me to assume responsibility faster than others. 

Growing up, I realize at one point that I enjoy things that supposedly people enjoy around senior high school/college times. As an adult now, I also see that most of my friends already settling down while I am still on my way to craft a better future, perhaps this one will come late for me as well and I will patiently waiting for that.

So cheers to a more playful and mindful 2016! 

P.S. I am still figuring out my plans ahead (as my 2015 reflections made me sure that I need a sense of purpose).

Reflection 2015

2015 feels like a blink of an eye, up to level that I did not feel that I have been in that year.
(please refer to the word 'feel', I know it is not logic to think that I have not been going thru that year while until now I am still alive, hence I use feel rather than logic to explain here).

This will be my first time reviewing a year from two perspectives: Logic and Feeling

Let's discuss from logic point of view.
In 2015, I travel to at least 9 new places ( I travel as far as Seattle, Beijing, to northest island in Indonesia, to highest village in Indonesia). I presented an Ignite session in front of my whole HR community in APAC and rated as a good performer on my annual performance review. I met at least two single guy that made me think "oh there is a hope!".  I travel with my family for the first time abroad, I did have one cooking class, joining one yoga retreat, visiting Bali twice and closing a year in the highest village in Indonesia at 2000 metres above sea level.

Logically, who does not want to have that life?
Logically, everyone envy my free spirited life. Single, independent, free, hopeful, bright future.

From feeling point of view...
I feel that I don't do anything in that year, I forget what was it about, I feel that it is empty, meaningless - and worse, I feel broken inside.
Sad thing is - all of the experience above feel nothing, while it is actually worth and priceless.

Me myself asking myself a big WHY??

There are so many factors I can try to remember, yet I believe the main factor is .. I do not plan 2015, I do not set goals for 2015, hence I do not feel any milestone happened or achieved.

I get used to school lifestyle in which everything is planned, everything have timeline.
2009 - I graduated and start to work
2010- I graduated from Management Trainee Program and moved to Factory and learn something very worth in life.
2011- I went to Singapore for 7 months and learn a lot of things in HR area and produced a very good study about Organisation Design and Effectiveness
2012 - I am waiting for my promotion -- in which I remember I almost quit on that year..
2013 - I am promoted and handling Corp function and BB
2014 - I moved to Microsoft and went to USA
2015 - ...

I am marking year by year with goals and milestone. and I do not have anything I specifically pursue in 2015. From my perspective, same thing happened in 2012 - yet I got a good news on end of year so I close it nice, but not 2015. Hence, I think I need to create and plan something for 2016. I am not built to live as time goes by. 

It does not mean I can't sit and relax, it is just that I need more sense of purpose.

Life Tales

Living a life is not easy, never been easy

You try and try and try to make it perfect, yet it will never be perfect

People, conditions, destiny will fail your expectation

You are brain-washed to let go expectation and perfection and to live in the now

Forget the future, don’t worry about tomorrow, enjoy now!

You try to get along with the rhythm of second by second and you live day by day

And..boom! They say you are living in a comfort zone, that you are wasting your time and talent.

You work hard again, you start to dream, you fail and rise and you plan for tomorrow

Yet tomorrow always demand more from you, you are exhausted, trying to go back to now but the voice in your head hated you so much because you can’t made up your mind.

Do you want tomorrow or now? 

There is a price of everything and there is nothing free and there is nothing perfect. 

You just simply cannot have it all.

A Birthday Note - Start Practicing Self Love.

Will it be too weird if I write a birthday note after a post about plans before dying?
(well I am weird and random..)

It is several minutes passing my birth day.
My pondering moment come easily the whole day. I try to stop it but it flows profusely.

I was kinda reviewing myself, I was trying to look to myself deeper and ask those long boring questions:
 "Who Am I? What Am I Doing in This World? Why Am I Here? What Am I Meant to Be? Had I Give the Best Shot for My Life? What Am I Afraid Of?" etc etc etc

In the middle of me answering questions from the other part of me, I stuck at one point where I realize I am not being honest with myself.

I thought I am at the point where I don't care about what other people think about me.
I thought I am at the point where I don't need to be perfect and can accept myself with that.
And I thought I have loved myself as much as I need me to love me.
But the more I asked myself about the very last thought, the more I doubt about it.

I honestly never really feel anything about myself.
I raised myself to be a strong woman, a truly strong independent, confident one.
(for the last adjective, I build it from my thousands unconfident experiences) ;
the all above adjectives made me think I am at point where I love myself enough.

And yet, still, the more I think about it, the more I doubt it.
This is not about me hating myself, definitely no.. but I just realize that I don't love myself enough.
I always told myself the TOO wordings: Too fat, too skinny, too lazy, too harsh, too hardworker, too ..., too..., too...., too..., too... and a lot other too.. things.

I come to a realization, that I have not enough given a chance to say to myself: enough effort, enough sleep, enough willingness...

So I thought self-loving is easy, but no, it is not.

Today is my first day on my new age, so I guess I need to practice a lot about self loving.
Yet, I am grateful to be able to realize this in such a young age, because the topic of self-loving will need to be learned in a lifetime.
Today I give myself a praise to myself on these hard realization (well it's not easy..)
I have a year homework to work on the 'enough' part :)

I love candle as a symbol of reflection

 

Last, let me blow the candle for myself :)

 

What is Your Plan Before Dying?

The title sounds creepy for some people. But not for me..
Unlike any other person generally, I'd like to know my time limit.
I'd like to know how much time left for me.

The biggest mistake most people made, they assume their time is unlimited. The second biggest mistake people made, they stick to only one plan and refuse to adjust to other plan.

I make a plan and the backup plan for my life..

If tomorrow, suddenly things happen and I am gone, I'll be happy and content - I have done so much more than I ever planned before.
If tomorrow, doctors suddenly said I only have 24 weeks left, I'll be happy too - I will quit my job as soon as I can, I will plan a good crematory, joining some insurance plan for the family, and travelling around the world before the time is coming.

If somehow I still have 3-4 years left, I will go back to school and do more travelling.
If it is ten years, I'll make sure I can afford live somewhere near the beach where I can feel the ocean breeze and staring on every waves on the beach every single days.
If it is twenty-thirty years from now, I'll make sure I raise a good kid and give him/her the knowledge and wisdom of life as much as I can.
And I think, I don't wish to live more than fifty years from today. I have lived enough life to be happy, to be content, to plan anything and to stop expecting from tomorrow.

See, don't you think it is easier if you just make a timeframe for your life? So whatever may come tomorrow to your life, you feel more ready on prioritizing what is more important for you.

The Time is not Unlimited

Family (Part 2): Education is my Culture!

Today is 20 February 2015, still in Chinese New Year Season.

While many families wearing red, feel happy to visit other family member, I feel nothing. I don't feel excited at all.

Yes, I born amongst Chinese family, but I born in Indonesia and never leave the country ever since (except for 7 months in 2012). I speak Bahasa, even Sundanese, I don't speak Chinese, and I don't recall that I celebrate Chinese New Year since I was a kid.

I tried to recall, did I even celebrate any festive season when I was a kid..

Did I celebrate Christmas?
No, I never have anything called Xmas dinner nor have Xmas tree on the living room.

Did I celebrate Idul Fitri?
No, I never bake any cake or going to fam's house to ask for any forgiveness.

Did I celebrate Chinese New Year?
No, obviously I never wear any red stuff or eat any famous moon cakes or receive thing called Ang Pao.

Did I celebrate New Year Eve?
Kinda, I remembered bought paper trumpet . That's it.

So it seems I do not celebrate any festive season, I often feel hard to relate to any cultures.
They say family build your culture of festive season, in my case, I don't think so.
The only culture that I really had since I was a kid is working hard and survival mode, if you do good at school you will become better person.

I Googled things, and I found this about my predecessor:

Taken from: http://history-of-culture.blogspot.com/2011/10/entry-of-chinese-people-tionghoa.html

So I accidentally happen to know that my Grandpa of my Grandpa (Lauw O Teng) is actually one of the founder for one of the very first school in Indonesia, which triggered other people in Indonesia at that time to build other school.

I am super proud of the fact.
I have been living for more than 20 years with weird feeling for not having any rooted culture
I finally can say, the culture we trust in the family is education, and not the other.

I ponder the fact, and I totally can relate with this "new culture I found"
I ask myself the question "If I have everything in the world already, what I wanna do?" - my answer is I'd like to go to medicine school, to neuroscience and philosophy school - not to work or have any career but to learn for the rest of my life.
I also would like to be a writer so that I can share the knowledge I have with world.
(this blog is actually one of my way to practice my writing skill)

So, to close the paragraphs, when you meet me somewhere, don't call me Chinese! call me an educated person :p

A Note on Valentine's Day

Every time I remember you, I remember the father that I never had.
Even though I never have you as mine, you replace him, you give me a sense of security and confident.
You obviously never say yes to everything I wish for, but you are biggest piece of my sane life.

Every time I remember you, I feel I was in kindergarten.
I surrounded by innocent laughter.
I remember we explore every crazy thoughts we have and we fulfill each other curiosities.

Every time I remember you, I feel you are my old best friend.
We rarely spend time together yet I feel you close to my heart.
Every time we meet, we will pour out our thoughts and we share each other stories.

So, Happy Valentine's Day, dear you in Rome!

5 to 6

Chasing happiness is a grand theme all people talking about lately.

Some said you should be married to be happy
Some said you should be famous to be happy
Some said you should be powerful and secure to be happy
Some said you should go to party to be happy

Can you find what is wrong with my sentences above?
No, it is not because it is repetitive and boring..
It is because we just put too much prerequisites to be happy.

One of my tricks of happiness is actually simple, yet for me, pricey.
Well one said that there is nothing such as free lunch.

I always have this magical happy feeling when I am able to wake up naturally at 5AM errr... or 5.15 AM (I am not a morning person, rarely wake up as early as 5AM), and if I could spend that magical hours looking at the changes of the color of the sky.
There is a burst of hope when the dark faded into lights, and that hope rides me into a peace state of mind which make me feel happy enough to continue my life.

Lady Chameleon - Adapting to Your Circumstances, Don't Stick to One Stigma

During my short tenure of life, I think I have been having several different personalities that I can share I have been some different persons.

I have been shy one, brave one, rude one, nice one, unconfident one, overconfident one.
I used to be touchy sensitive and full of feeling one, and I have been one who always used head and put away hearty warmy feeling on making decision.

I used to think that one way of life is better than others.
For example: in the past, I judged people based on their level of attention to details:

• Following up the Details, make a Detail clear plan - Smart, Diligent, Hard worker, Passionate
• Good with Details - Careful
• Bad with Details - Lousy
• Missed the Details - Ignorance
• Not following up the Details - Lazy
• Can't follow the Details - Stupid (pardon my lingo)

But life give me lessons that my judgments are not true and unacceptable, and you know how I find it out? by experiencing the judgments that I put on others at the first place.

Life has gave me chances to be in all positions above, and feel being judged by other people who are also using my judgments above. I started my career quite well, where I carefully and exceptionally put attention on it because I wanted to succeed; I followed up the details, made a good plan, until I climbed the career ladder, tried to absorb everything myself and overloaded and I fell into stage where I can't follow the details and some other people get annoyed by that.

And there, life teach me that being judgmental is not good :)

And also it teach me that being one type of person is not good too. 

Losing your identity is not good at all, but being rigid isn't the best way to live your life either.

I think, to survive, savor and appreciate life, you have to be adaptable. 

You have to change your color repeatedly depending on your circumstances.

Be one of those Chameleons :)

Looking Backward - A decade from 2014

"You cannot connect the dots looking forward, you only can connect the dots looking backward" - Steve Jobs

10 years ago, I was still a senior high school student who still confused.
I never really imagined that I could achieve as much as I have achieved today.

10 years ago, in the very same month, I was struggling to decide which Uni to join, what Department to choose etc etc
At that time, I only knew what subject I like in school and what subject I didn't like.

I used to dream to be a doctor, since I love Biology and Human Physiology deeply.
But then I thought that 4 years in College, 2 years to pursue specialties, and another year to do internship will be cost me too much.

Then I thought I will take something that I can bear.
I hate Physics and Mathematics, so I hinder that two subjects.
Any Engineering profession was eliminated at that time, its no longer an option as I believe I will not like the experiment and Labs.

Any Pure Science - Biology, Chemistry etc also not really an option since I didn't really think it will bring me somewhere in career, particularly in Indonesia.
So, Pharmacy and Food Technology seems have much more Biology and Chemistry. That was the two options I'd like to pursue.

When I decided to take that two options, did I know where it bring me? Did I get a guarantee that I will be successful? The answer is NO.

I always know that life suppose to be lived with hard work and struggle.
That's the only thing I know for sure.
By hard work and struggle, I knew, I will arrive at some better point somewhere in my life.

And now, 10 years later, looking back, I really thankful to my beliefs.
It bring me to a certain decent point in my life. Previously, I was a very insecure girl - well I have pretty much nothing to be granted to claim it.
But now, I can say that I am secured one. I pretty much have everything that I need.

I think its really necessary for us human to look back to a decade and stop for a while, appreciating what we have done, enjoying what we have.
I do feel really grateful for what I have and what I achieved right now.

In fact, I make this year as my another turning point in my life. I quit from my first company, to enjoy a settle down feeling, to re-focus on my journey to a decade ahead.

Well I haven't told you that, I am not a pharmacist nor a food scientist now :D
I deviate from my first plan.
But everything is okay :) because my values: hard work and struggle.

I am now an HR person , yeah I know that you may think I deviate too much....
But then, I also remember that when I was in Junior High School, I wanted to take Philosophy in Uni; but yeah, living in emerging country- that sounds ridiculous.
Now I can really connect that I actually doing something that I like, observing people behavior and think where it comes from.

This year, I take a chance to really quieting my mind again. I try to break all the boundaries and circumstances. I try to think, if I were given a second chance to dream once again, what will I do with my life. And like 10 years ago, I think I will make a decision based on what I like and what I don't like; along with hard work and struggle as the way :)

Hopefully, 10 years from now, in 2024; I will look back to today, and like now, I feel peaceful with what I've done and proud with what I've gone thru.

#QOTD

"The hardest part of moving on is not losing you.
It's me who losing the better part of myself."

Turn your wound into your strengths

“I’m stronger because of hard times, wiser because of my mistakes; and happier because I have known sadness.” - Unknown

Some people look up to me as their role model, some said I am being lucky to be able to reach a great career in my young age. I live in an emerging country where I can go to gym which cost equal to 50% of some other people monthly revenue or I can go shopping on weekend which cost equal to 100% of some other people monthly salary..(note: Only if I wanted to)

 

So many people looking at me with jealousy- they said I am lucky and success; some even guessed I am a spoiled daughter of some big family. But not so many people know, I am an open wound.

Life has been really tough on me since I was a kid, I never had a complete family. My dad was never been there since I was one year old, and my mom, she was too busy healing herself. I grew up with insecurities, I grew up with that loneliness and that craving for attention feeling.

 

I went to one of famous high school in Indonesia, when every other kids went there with expensive cars, I simply used my old brother’s motorcycle or general transportation. When everyone changed their fashion every two weeks, I simply changed it for once a year. When everyone went to holiday with their parent’s money, I simply need to sell one of my gadget to afford vacation.
 

It sound shallow when you compare yourself with other by what you have and what you wear. But for 11 year old kids, it is. I grew up bitter, not having anyone protecting me at that time.

My only reason of being able to be successful today is my will to push myself. 

I always push my limits, I always give and deliver more. Some said, that is my quality. No it is not. It is my coping mechanism.

I never have anyone who I can count on, since I was a kid, I only trust myself, I work really damn hard and trying to not really care about my surroundings. Slow but sure, I am paving my success path with that open wound.

Until one day, I realize that my life is getting better, everything is settled and I can fulfill anything that I need. I looked back and just realized that I run from my past, I run with that open wound and never plan to come back.

Today, I convince myself that if not because of my wound and coping mechanism, I will not be here and achieving this point in life. This wound has taught me a good quality of life, that we can’t always depend on others for our happiness, that it is pointless to compare yourself with others.

Sometime, its still hurt if I remember those sad times in the past, but I am trying to accept that as my past and turn it to my strengths. I taught myself to remember that    I am not who I am today without the wound. It is easier to say than to do it.

When life hits you hard, when you lose someone you love, you will not automatically embrace the pain, you will hate it, you struggle, you want to run.

Its easy to forget the lesson that you have learnt; but today I remind myself once again (and you) to embrace your wound and turn it to your strength! I believe you also have passed some stories in your life- the story that make you stronger than yesterday J

A series of brokenhearted story

My heart has been broken several times - 3 major breaks and several tiny wounds to be exact :) Soon will add one more, and this time, could be massive break. 

Looking back, I am amazed that I survive that 3 major breaks.
What so funny about that three major breaks, I don't think I ever be with them in a nice condition. They were.. either with someone else when I found them or never admitted me in front of his family.

The first one was my early junior high school crush to my cool senior called Dave Moffats.
I never be really with him, we just spent several calls to have a deep chat.
Yet, I was longing for him like.. years, and when I found out he was with someone else - I still remember that day I felt like I want to take a suicidal act.

The second one was my love rebound from that senior Dave.
Someone from my peers, someone that I never really noticed before, well I knew he already has relationship with a shy girl.
Yet, somehow, he said that he noticed me for two years back and never had a chance talked to me. So from there we tried to go together, with a ditch act from him to that shy girl .. and it only lasts for.. 3 months. Gosh!
He look after another girl again afterwards. Shoot!
It felt so hurts at that time. I spent two years forgetting this one.

And the third one feel like drama when I write this now..
He basically a son of a pastor in my church, where to have a relationship need a serious commitment and a series of praying and approval events.
He is such a nice guy, a pianist, yet I knew his dark side.
I have accepted him for whom he was, yet he treated me like I was not exist.
He decided to leave me just because of her older sister's bad dream. Gosh!
This one cost me too much! I need to turn off my hand phone for 6 months, and series of days losing appetite to eat or do anything else. 

After these stories, there are several more wounds, but not as major as these three- even if when I broke up with my 7 years boy friend.

Look at my stories above.. I can conclude a red bold line, I tend to love what I don't have. I admire a guy who never committed to be with me.

I love loving someone who are able to break my heart, otherwise I can't call it Love.

I have the fourth story with me now, the lovely imperfect story; the depth of relationship was deeper than ever, I never give and take as many as this before.

This story, could end up anytime too; and we'll see how can I cope up.

However it was proven that with the three stories before, I could be stronger than yesterday.

Eagle

Dear Eagle,

I remember found you one day years ago
You are handsome, brave yet bruised.
I remember found you with your broken wings,
defeated by the unmet expectations and fear of being alone.

I decided to take care of you while I know you'll fly someday
I fed you love and warmth, hoping you gain your hope and confident.
I'd love to see you try to fly once again, even if I know that I'll miss you badly.

The time for you to fly is nearly come
I looked back and never regret decision I made 
I find every seconds worth, seeing your wings spread and your every attempt to fly

I always know that your home is not with me
You are meant to be flying upthere, somewhere.
I wish you enjoy every storm and weather you are flying into

Send me some prays when you are away.. 

A small note for you

I always believe that I was born with an empty heart.

There is a gap inside of it which always deliver an insecurity, vulnerability, and loneliness, and since I've found you I learned to deal with it.

Yet the time has come, and this is the time for me to continue the healing journey myself.
Thanks for being the greatest cure in my life

... 

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

 And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Lost in you

Gatot Subroto, Jakarta - 5.30AM

 

Gatot Subroto, Jakarta - 5AM

 

Into these lights I lost myself.

I can stand hours staring at them, sinking to the peaceful silence and crowds.

This is my peaceful moment!



 

Gatot Subroto, Jakarta - 7PM

Life lesson from Brazil vs German- World Cup 2014

I don’t know what Title should I post here…

I write this post with so many mix feelings as what Brazilian’s supporter feel right now.

FYI, I am not a fan of both sides, yet I enjoy the show as it is rich of feelings, as it performs real life drama. In this post, I will not comment about how Brazil should play or why German win the play- I am no expert on it..I’m just a stranger watching the show.

 When German (GER) had their first goal, everything is still normal for Brazil (BRA), it’s a soccer play.. one goal could be ordinary. Second goal happen faster than everyone expected, third, fourth and fifth…

It was like a dream come true for GER and its like a nightmare for BRA; and for so many supporters around the world as well.

It is unbelievable truth. Many of us human will feel its not real, everyone just losing their grip of reality for a while.

At that moment of time, human is on the state of overwhelmed feeling- controlled by hormones that secreted from their body. GER will feel the euphoria, the adrenaline regulated well, endorphine also there to support their satisfaction. BRA will be on denial state, trying not to believe what is happening, they are in a shock state that their body is not functioning well. We see it ourselves that 90 minutes could feel that long. GER who are on the upside try to have a grip to control their phase of game, they have their boost of confidence, they have their safety net and they are free of pressure; one of them must said that it is one of their best moment in life. BRA who are on the downside, they need more time to gone thru their denial phase, their grief and sadness demand to be felt, for a moment in time, they just want to disappear from that fucking playfield, they wanna hide but can’t and they have to keep playing and try to build their confidence and skills.

Most of human will relate with those feelings I mentioned above. We feel it on our real life, when we face days with one and other activities. Things happened, sometimes we are up, sometimes life knocked us down. Learning from today’s match, I hope some of us understand some of these words: mental endurance, empathy, grip of reality. Nothing will stay permanent, neither pain nor victory – so wise man always do everything in a more calculated basis; victory will not stay forever with you, don’t brag it too long, also pain, don’t victimize yourself too much. After all, we should enjoy our life like we enjoy today’s match performed by BRA GER.  

 

#QOTD

You cannot hide from being hurted, you only can choose who is the one worth enough to hurt you.

Dialog dengan jiwaku

Aku:
Hatiku meracau
pikiranku pergi merantau
jiwaku tak terikat pada raga
ia melayang dari jasadnya
kucari tahu sebabnya kenapa, namun terkadang jawabnya hampa

"mungkin tak ada lagi yang kucari"
"mungkin tak ada lagi yang kutunggu"
"mungkin memang sudah waktuku"
Ini adalah nyanyian sendu hatiku

yang ku pun tak tahu, mengapa sendu ini melantun
sahut jiwaku..

Aku:
ragu telah menjadi teman tetapku
sunyi dan sendu sahabat baikku

tak pernah kupertanyakan mengapa aku begitu gagu melafalkan perasaanku
atau, memang ini jalanku?

aku mengagumimu jiwaku yang sendu..
aku mengagumimu jiwaku yang tak pernah rindu akan rasa
namun, masih saja kupertanyakan mengapa kau begitu berbeda dariku?

Sulit sekali menjelaskan pada khalayak ramai bahwa aku mempunyai diriku yang lain,
dan lebih sulit lagi menjelaskan bahwa hal ini adalah normal :)

Aku memiliki bagian jiwaku yang lain, yang selalu setia menjaga dan menemaniku setiap saat.
Ia selalu ada kapanpun aku bertanya dan kapanpun aku membutuhkan.
terkadang ia menuntunku ke arah yang lain, memberiku perspektif yang berbeda.
Ia jauh lebih dewasa daripada diriku yang asli, Ia jauh lebih tenang dan mapan.
Seringkali kuhabiskan waktu bersamanya, berdiskusi tentang hari esok dan mimpi.
Ia telah menjadi teman terbaikku selama ini, yang saat ini sudah saatnya kuperkenalkan.

Dalam bahasa psikologi, mungkin dia disebut superego.

from jiwa: aku bukan tak bahagia, hanya saja aku rindu meracau

Good morning, June!

Its 2nd of June.

I should write this on 1st but it falls on Sunday this year..
so I decide to write on 2nd when it falls on Monday instead :)

I write this on Monday morning, people!
I never never never thought that I will be able to write on morning, and Monday..

It such a great feeling to be able to wake up very fresh on Monday, and no Monday blues at all..

I woke up this morning with such a very great feeling.
I feel not sleepy, I feel energized, I have enough time to sip a cup of hot tea, do some brain gym, read some light articles and have time to plan my day ahead.
Thats all wonderful feeling that I have not been able to experience for.. quite a while (rr..years)

and its simply because I had a relaxed weekend.
I spent two days cooking at home, doing chores and lying on bed.
Never knows that it will make me have such a great feeling for Monday.

So, Good morning people!
Have a great Monday and great week ahead!

Morning view from my balcony

Sipping a cup of tea while planning the day ahead

My Recipe of Happiness

Today, 22 May 2014.

I cannot missed it, I cannot postpone it. I need to write it down.

I am so Happy.
I am sooo Happpyyy, until I think that I will not be able to be happier than today.

Today I feel light and content at the same time.
I feel so alive and grateful for the days that I had.

Why?

So here is the recipe:

1. I woke up quite early and have the time for sipping hot tea while doing some homework before I do anything else.
2. I had a good nap in the afternoon, it was only 1.5-2 hours, yet very fulfilling.
3. I made time to do yoga at my house. It was only 30 mins session guided by some youtube video :p YET it was very refreshing.
4. I cooked, yes you read it right. I cooked! after a long time, I cooked something with heat. A homecooking food always be the best remedy.
5. I had dinner with myself, while starring at the beautiful dim light of Jakarta. I had a time for my mind to wander a lot.

These five lists of activities, is my combo package of happiness.

Happiness is simple :)

Love,
Catherine

A story of changing name to "Diary of My Busy Mind"

I had once write a post explained that this blog used to have name: "Microstory Blog"
and then changed to the current ordinary name "A Diary of My Busy Mind"

Well, I suddenly want to explain it once again.

Me personally actually love the first name better.
Yet, the one who will understand is probably just a very small number of people and this blog will not be attractive for most people, while the objective of my blog is to share my thoughts and lesson learned in life to as many people as possible.

But well, let me try to explain the meaning of both names.

MICROSTORY BLOG

I always think myself as a complicated person. I see things in depth and detail.
Probably its the mix of science as my education background, and my reflective personality traits..Its the perfect mix for me to spend lot of time thinking in depth and detail way.
I always imagine things on very tiniest structure-in atomic structure to be exact.

I imagine my brain as a house of billions of neuron cells, and each of that neurons has their own purpose, has their own life, thoughts and vision. 
On the human thinking process, I imagine that billion of neurons will have different perspectives with other billion neurons - They bring different messages, different campaigns, and they race one and each other until one party wins and the human make a decision or choose which statement to believe.

I also imagine, my brain as a big compartment of memory. Its like a huge big room where giant cupboards placed, or its like a computer system where there are thousands folder where I categorize memory.

And I want my microstory blog to capture those tiny little details in my life, so that every readers understand the process, comprehend the detail story before arriving to the take outs.

DIARY OF MY BUSY MIND

This sounds more ordinary...yet, more humble and simple?
Above explanation shows how busy my brain is :)
and I come up with the idea that this name can still capture my tiniest little things yet understood by larger population :D

yet, let my readers give me the input of this... which one do you prefer ?

Individualistic traits

I am not a certified psychologist yet I arrived at the conclusion that I am an individualistic person.

By being an individualist, I can say that I have small tolerance level. Well, yes I am a control freak! 

Yet, During my short span of life (27 years now); I learned that I can only control what I can control. I learn that I can't control others decision, others thoughts and expectation.

so.. how do I feel the control?
I control what I can control, which is myself.. my thoughts and expectation.
so when there is some unexpected things happen, I control my feeling and thoughts towards it.
and I also do filtering of what I read, what I hear and my surroundings.
I choose consciously 'the food' or the input for my mind.

If someone keep posting bad news about job or bragging about their life or keep complaining about life.. I will decide to remove it from my sight, so that it doesn't bring negative thoughts to my mind.

I choose who I hang out with (some may say I am an extremist for doing this).
Yet I believe that my life is a private garden where I have to choose the living organism inside the fence.

Somehow I relate individualistic trait with the needs of freedom.
Individualists are people who need control over their life yet does not like being controlled.
Individualists are not neccessary shy, they just choose to be with themselves often.
all these traits make one individualist control their circle, choose their friend and partner and filter the  input for their mind.

One thing for sure, individualists are not cold hearted peraon who are cruel or  merciless person.
They never intentionally hurt other person feeling. Yet... they are less care about other people's life., so that it is appear that they care less and less empathetic.

well, everyone has their own plusses and minuses, right?

A Letter to My Dear Boss..

Dear Boss,

I respect you deeply. Having a chance to have a conversation with you today was one of tremendous moment during my stay in this company. There are several unsaid statements that I couldn't point out just now, but I want you to know..

I am sad that I finally make a final decision for leaving this company, and especially the people. But the more we talked, the more I convinced that this is the path that I need to pursue.

I am terribly sad that I realized that you don't know me that well, until you think that I made the biggest mistake in my career. (I have a defense statement for that below!)

But, I think its not your mistake. Its completely mine.
Joined this company 4.5 years ago, I learn about the people and leaders, 
as kid I try to adapt because I knew its the only way to survive.
I embraced the opportunity of being changed, I was curious and driven to know how I will end up in this company, and curious whether I will have new skills or new color of life.

And, YES, I DID!
I finally adopt (not adapt) the leader's wish, and I become someone that is expected.
Its like I was being the great fit of the company.

I enjoyed the journey and feel fulfilled and accomplished, until I realized that I lost my true color.

Now I dismantle my ego and I need to humbly say.. I don't know what I want.
and I admit and I accept that I was on that stage.
I support myself to embrace "the stage", as I believe its okay to made myself lost sometime.

I am really sorry if you are so disappointed that you find out that I am not someone that you think you know well, that I am not the potential talent that you think will be the great fit for the future.
You might say that I have cheating on you for this whole time, or saying that I have no maturity for not knowing what do I want in life.

I accept all the accusants.

And I understand that I have not met your expectation, and I have made you disappointed. 

But it's time for me to be myself, its the opportunity for me to get lost once again and find my other true colors. I always believe that life is about the journey to find ourselves.
I never wish that my whole life will be predictable, I had enough 4.5 predictable years- I controlled the years where I am sure with the result!
I am 27 years old now, and I still have 33 years journey to fix my career, if you are sure that I am about to make biggest mistake in my life :) And I believe I can fix it, I believe I still could find a way to be even better than before if I want it. 

For me life is about the journey and it is not always about wrong or right path that we take. It will always meant to be that way. As long as I do it consciously and with full responsibility, I will be just fine.

Thanks for all the time and patience to sit down, and try to understand me and try to provide me some more options that you think better. And I am so sorry if I am being stubborn, and fyi, please don't accuse me that I am not persistence enough (I plea for this one) :p

Now I am asking your blessing and mental support for me to pursue my new path of life..and Don't worry too much, I will be okay. 

Eventually I will be better person than today.

:)

Sincerely,
Catherine

A Letter to a best friend (that turns out to be the best lover)

Dear You,

I write this letter years before we are separated.

And I write this not because I would like to leave you or separate from you..I just know, that someday, our story will come to an end for whatever reasons.

I write it now, so that we can memorize what we have now, in these glorious beautiful moments.

I would like to thank you for all the moments we have spent together.

Your presence in my life teach me thousands love and life lessons, lessons that probably you yourself have not learned..

Our moments teach me that love does not always about having..but its about giving the best out of yourself.

Love is not always about to be together, it needs us to grow ourselves, separately sometimes, and gather back together to be stronger than before.

You teach me that heart is capable to be expanded, to love more than one God’s creature at the same time. And the most valuable of all, you show me love that teach me about being vulnerable and feel strong at the same time.

Thanks for sharing moments and lessons with me .

Yours always,

Me