A series of brokenhearted story

My heart has been broken several times - 3 major breaks and several tiny wounds to be exact :) Soon will add one more, and this time, could be massive break. 

Looking back, I am amazed that I survive that 3 major breaks.
What so funny about that three major breaks, I don't think I ever be with them in a nice condition. They were.. either with someone else when I found them or never admitted me in front of his family.

The first one was my early junior high school crush to my cool senior called Dave Moffats.
I never be really with him, we just spent several calls to have a deep chat.
Yet, I was longing for him like.. years, and when I found out he was with someone else - I still remember that day I felt like I want to take a suicidal act.

The second one was my love rebound from that senior Dave.
Someone from my peers, someone that I never really noticed before, well I knew he already has relationship with a shy girl.
Yet, somehow, he said that he noticed me for two years back and never had a chance talked to me. So from there we tried to go together, with a ditch act from him to that shy girl .. and it only lasts for.. 3 months. Gosh!
He look after another girl again afterwards. Shoot!
It felt so hurts at that time. I spent two years forgetting this one.

And the third one feel like drama when I write this now..
He basically a son of a pastor in my church, where to have a relationship need a serious commitment and a series of praying and approval events.
He is such a nice guy, a pianist, yet I knew his dark side.
I have accepted him for whom he was, yet he treated me like I was not exist.
He decided to leave me just because of her older sister's bad dream. Gosh!
This one cost me too much! I need to turn off my hand phone for 6 months, and series of days losing appetite to eat or do anything else. 

After these stories, there are several more wounds, but not as major as these three- even if when I broke up with my 7 years boy friend.

Look at my stories above.. I can conclude a red bold line, I tend to love what I don't have. I admire a guy who never committed to be with me.

I love loving someone who are able to break my heart, otherwise I can't call it Love.

I have the fourth story with me now, the lovely imperfect story; the depth of relationship was deeper than ever, I never give and take as many as this before.

This story, could end up anytime too; and we'll see how can I cope up.

However it was proven that with the three stories before, I could be stronger than yesterday.

Eagle

Dear Eagle,

I remember found you one day years ago
You are handsome, brave yet bruised.
I remember found you with your broken wings,
defeated by the unmet expectations and fear of being alone.

I decided to take care of you while I know you'll fly someday
I fed you love and warmth, hoping you gain your hope and confident.
I'd love to see you try to fly once again, even if I know that I'll miss you badly.

The time for you to fly is nearly come
I looked back and never regret decision I made 
I find every seconds worth, seeing your wings spread and your every attempt to fly

I always know that your home is not with me
You are meant to be flying upthere, somewhere.
I wish you enjoy every storm and weather you are flying into

Send me some prays when you are away.. 

A small note for you

I always believe that I was born with an empty heart.

There is a gap inside of it which always deliver an insecurity, vulnerability, and loneliness, and since I've found you I learned to deal with it.

Yet the time has come, and this is the time for me to continue the healing journey myself.
Thanks for being the greatest cure in my life

... 

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

 And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Lost in you

Gatot Subroto, Jakarta - 5.30AM

 

Gatot Subroto, Jakarta - 5AM

 

Into these lights I lost myself.

I can stand hours staring at them, sinking to the peaceful silence and crowds.

This is my peaceful moment!



 

Gatot Subroto, Jakarta - 7PM

Life lesson from Brazil vs German- World Cup 2014

I don’t know what Title should I post here…

I write this post with so many mix feelings as what Brazilian’s supporter feel right now.

FYI, I am not a fan of both sides, yet I enjoy the show as it is rich of feelings, as it performs real life drama. In this post, I will not comment about how Brazil should play or why German win the play- I am no expert on it..I’m just a stranger watching the show.

 When German (GER) had their first goal, everything is still normal for Brazil (BRA), it’s a soccer play.. one goal could be ordinary. Second goal happen faster than everyone expected, third, fourth and fifth…

It was like a dream come true for GER and its like a nightmare for BRA; and for so many supporters around the world as well.

It is unbelievable truth. Many of us human will feel its not real, everyone just losing their grip of reality for a while.

At that moment of time, human is on the state of overwhelmed feeling- controlled by hormones that secreted from their body. GER will feel the euphoria, the adrenaline regulated well, endorphine also there to support their satisfaction. BRA will be on denial state, trying not to believe what is happening, they are in a shock state that their body is not functioning well. We see it ourselves that 90 minutes could feel that long. GER who are on the upside try to have a grip to control their phase of game, they have their boost of confidence, they have their safety net and they are free of pressure; one of them must said that it is one of their best moment in life. BRA who are on the downside, they need more time to gone thru their denial phase, their grief and sadness demand to be felt, for a moment in time, they just want to disappear from that fucking playfield, they wanna hide but can’t and they have to keep playing and try to build their confidence and skills.

Most of human will relate with those feelings I mentioned above. We feel it on our real life, when we face days with one and other activities. Things happened, sometimes we are up, sometimes life knocked us down. Learning from today’s match, I hope some of us understand some of these words: mental endurance, empathy, grip of reality. Nothing will stay permanent, neither pain nor victory – so wise man always do everything in a more calculated basis; victory will not stay forever with you, don’t brag it too long, also pain, don’t victimize yourself too much. After all, we should enjoy our life like we enjoy today’s match performed by BRA GER.  

 

#QOTD

You cannot hide from being hurted, you only can choose who is the one worth enough to hurt you.

Dialog dengan jiwaku

Aku:
Hatiku meracau
pikiranku pergi merantau
jiwaku tak terikat pada raga
ia melayang dari jasadnya
kucari tahu sebabnya kenapa, namun terkadang jawabnya hampa

"mungkin tak ada lagi yang kucari"
"mungkin tak ada lagi yang kutunggu"
"mungkin memang sudah waktuku"
Ini adalah nyanyian sendu hatiku

yang ku pun tak tahu, mengapa sendu ini melantun
sahut jiwaku..

Aku:
ragu telah menjadi teman tetapku
sunyi dan sendu sahabat baikku

tak pernah kupertanyakan mengapa aku begitu gagu melafalkan perasaanku
atau, memang ini jalanku?

aku mengagumimu jiwaku yang sendu..
aku mengagumimu jiwaku yang tak pernah rindu akan rasa
namun, masih saja kupertanyakan mengapa kau begitu berbeda dariku?

Sulit sekali menjelaskan pada khalayak ramai bahwa aku mempunyai diriku yang lain,
dan lebih sulit lagi menjelaskan bahwa hal ini adalah normal :)

Aku memiliki bagian jiwaku yang lain, yang selalu setia menjaga dan menemaniku setiap saat.
Ia selalu ada kapanpun aku bertanya dan kapanpun aku membutuhkan.
terkadang ia menuntunku ke arah yang lain, memberiku perspektif yang berbeda.
Ia jauh lebih dewasa daripada diriku yang asli, Ia jauh lebih tenang dan mapan.
Seringkali kuhabiskan waktu bersamanya, berdiskusi tentang hari esok dan mimpi.
Ia telah menjadi teman terbaikku selama ini, yang saat ini sudah saatnya kuperkenalkan.

Dalam bahasa psikologi, mungkin dia disebut superego.

from jiwa: aku bukan tak bahagia, hanya saja aku rindu meracau

Good morning, June!

Its 2nd of June.

I should write this on 1st but it falls on Sunday this year..
so I decide to write on 2nd when it falls on Monday instead :)

I write this on Monday morning, people!
I never never never thought that I will be able to write on morning, and Monday..

It such a great feeling to be able to wake up very fresh on Monday, and no Monday blues at all..

I woke up this morning with such a very great feeling.
I feel not sleepy, I feel energized, I have enough time to sip a cup of hot tea, do some brain gym, read some light articles and have time to plan my day ahead.
Thats all wonderful feeling that I have not been able to experience for.. quite a while (rr..years)

and its simply because I had a relaxed weekend.
I spent two days cooking at home, doing chores and lying on bed.
Never knows that it will make me have such a great feeling for Monday.

So, Good morning people!
Have a great Monday and great week ahead!

Morning view from my balcony

Sipping a cup of tea while planning the day ahead

My Recipe of Happiness

Today, 22 May 2014.

I cannot missed it, I cannot postpone it. I need to write it down.

I am so Happy.
I am sooo Happpyyy, until I think that I will not be able to be happier than today.

Today I feel light and content at the same time.
I feel so alive and grateful for the days that I had.

Why?

So here is the recipe:

1. I woke up quite early and have the time for sipping hot tea while doing some homework before I do anything else.
2. I had a good nap in the afternoon, it was only 1.5-2 hours, yet very fulfilling.
3. I made time to do yoga at my house. It was only 30 mins session guided by some youtube video :p YET it was very refreshing.
4. I cooked, yes you read it right. I cooked! after a long time, I cooked something with heat. A homecooking food always be the best remedy.
5. I had dinner with myself, while starring at the beautiful dim light of Jakarta. I had a time for my mind to wander a lot.

These five lists of activities, is my combo package of happiness.

Happiness is simple :)

Love,
Catherine

A story of changing name to "Diary of My Busy Mind"

I had once write a post explained that this blog used to have name: "Microstory Blog"
and then changed to the current ordinary name "A Diary of My Busy Mind"

Well, I suddenly want to explain it once again.

Me personally actually love the first name better.
Yet, the one who will understand is probably just a very small number of people and this blog will not be attractive for most people, while the objective of my blog is to share my thoughts and lesson learned in life to as many people as possible.

But well, let me try to explain the meaning of both names.

MICROSTORY BLOG

I always think myself as a complicated person. I see things in depth and detail.
Probably its the mix of science as my education background, and my reflective personality traits..Its the perfect mix for me to spend lot of time thinking in depth and detail way.
I always imagine things on very tiniest structure-in atomic structure to be exact.

I imagine my brain as a house of billions of neuron cells, and each of that neurons has their own purpose, has their own life, thoughts and vision. 
On the human thinking process, I imagine that billion of neurons will have different perspectives with other billion neurons - They bring different messages, different campaigns, and they race one and each other until one party wins and the human make a decision or choose which statement to believe.

I also imagine, my brain as a big compartment of memory. Its like a huge big room where giant cupboards placed, or its like a computer system where there are thousands folder where I categorize memory.

And I want my microstory blog to capture those tiny little details in my life, so that every readers understand the process, comprehend the detail story before arriving to the take outs.

DIARY OF MY BUSY MIND

This sounds more ordinary...yet, more humble and simple?
Above explanation shows how busy my brain is :)
and I come up with the idea that this name can still capture my tiniest little things yet understood by larger population :D

yet, let my readers give me the input of this... which one do you prefer ?

Individualistic traits

I am not a certified psychologist yet I arrived at the conclusion that I am an individualistic person.

By being an individualist, I can say that I have small tolerance level. Well, yes I am a control freak! 

Yet, During my short span of life (27 years now); I learned that I can only control what I can control. I learn that I can't control others decision, others thoughts and expectation.

so.. how do I feel the control?
I control what I can control, which is myself.. my thoughts and expectation.
so when there is some unexpected things happen, I control my feeling and thoughts towards it.
and I also do filtering of what I read, what I hear and my surroundings.
I choose consciously 'the food' or the input for my mind.

If someone keep posting bad news about job or bragging about their life or keep complaining about life.. I will decide to remove it from my sight, so that it doesn't bring negative thoughts to my mind.

I choose who I hang out with (some may say I am an extremist for doing this).
Yet I believe that my life is a private garden where I have to choose the living organism inside the fence.

Somehow I relate individualistic trait with the needs of freedom.
Individualists are people who need control over their life yet does not like being controlled.
Individualists are not neccessary shy, they just choose to be with themselves often.
all these traits make one individualist control their circle, choose their friend and partner and filter the  input for their mind.

One thing for sure, individualists are not cold hearted peraon who are cruel or  merciless person.
They never intentionally hurt other person feeling. Yet... they are less care about other people's life., so that it is appear that they care less and less empathetic.

well, everyone has their own plusses and minuses, right?

A Letter to My Dear Boss..

Dear Boss,

I respect you deeply. Having a chance to have a conversation with you today was one of tremendous moment during my stay in this company. There are several unsaid statements that I couldn't point out just now, but I want you to know..

I am sad that I finally make a final decision for leaving this company, and especially the people. But the more we talked, the more I convinced that this is the path that I need to pursue.

I am terribly sad that I realized that you don't know me that well, until you think that I made the biggest mistake in my career. (I have a defense statement for that below!)

But, I think its not your mistake. Its completely mine.
Joined this company 4.5 years ago, I learn about the people and leaders, 
as kid I try to adapt because I knew its the only way to survive.
I embraced the opportunity of being changed, I was curious and driven to know how I will end up in this company, and curious whether I will have new skills or new color of life.

And, YES, I DID!
I finally adopt (not adapt) the leader's wish, and I become someone that is expected.
Its like I was being the great fit of the company.

I enjoyed the journey and feel fulfilled and accomplished, until I realized that I lost my true color.

Now I dismantle my ego and I need to humbly say.. I don't know what I want.
and I admit and I accept that I was on that stage.
I support myself to embrace "the stage", as I believe its okay to made myself lost sometime.

I am really sorry if you are so disappointed that you find out that I am not someone that you think you know well, that I am not the potential talent that you think will be the great fit for the future.
You might say that I have cheating on you for this whole time, or saying that I have no maturity for not knowing what do I want in life.

I accept all the accusants.

And I understand that I have not met your expectation, and I have made you disappointed. 

But it's time for me to be myself, its the opportunity for me to get lost once again and find my other true colors. I always believe that life is about the journey to find ourselves.
I never wish that my whole life will be predictable, I had enough 4.5 predictable years- I controlled the years where I am sure with the result!
I am 27 years old now, and I still have 33 years journey to fix my career, if you are sure that I am about to make biggest mistake in my life :) And I believe I can fix it, I believe I still could find a way to be even better than before if I want it. 

For me life is about the journey and it is not always about wrong or right path that we take. It will always meant to be that way. As long as I do it consciously and with full responsibility, I will be just fine.

Thanks for all the time and patience to sit down, and try to understand me and try to provide me some more options that you think better. And I am so sorry if I am being stubborn, and fyi, please don't accuse me that I am not persistence enough (I plea for this one) :p

Now I am asking your blessing and mental support for me to pursue my new path of life..and Don't worry too much, I will be okay. 

Eventually I will be better person than today.

:)

Sincerely,
Catherine

A Letter to a best friend (that turns out to be the best lover)

Dear You,

I write this letter years before we are separated.

And I write this not because I would like to leave you or separate from you..I just know, that someday, our story will come to an end for whatever reasons.

I write it now, so that we can memorize what we have now, in these glorious beautiful moments.

I would like to thank you for all the moments we have spent together.

Your presence in my life teach me thousands love and life lessons, lessons that probably you yourself have not learned..

Our moments teach me that love does not always about having..but its about giving the best out of yourself.

Love is not always about to be together, it needs us to grow ourselves, separately sometimes, and gather back together to be stronger than before.

You teach me that heart is capable to be expanded, to love more than one God’s creature at the same time. And the most valuable of all, you show me love that teach me about being vulnerable and feel strong at the same time.

Thanks for sharing moments and lessons with me .

Yours always,

Me

Indonesia personality assessment- my view.

Changi Airport, 7th March 2014, heading home..

I have been back to Singapore for a week. During my stay in Singapore, my mind wander a lot.

"Why Indonesian cannot be proud of what they have?"
"Why Indonesian tend and love to play victim?"

Despite of all the greatness we have, we are always in crisis mode!!
Confidence crisis, identity crisis, leadership crisis.

If Indonesia is a human and have a personality, I think I will describe it this way:
Indonesia is too much in love with a word called togetherness and humility, that led her to a very wrong habit of not taking charge.
Indonesia is too much inconfident of saying what she thinks right, she avoids debate, she hates being unpopular and afraid too much about other people feelings- Which led her to a vicious cycle of incapability of leading!
And sadly, Indonesia is so humble that she can't see greatness in herself!

Look at her friend next to him..Singapore..
She is so small, has no native resource - even she needs to make a forest to have a forest!
Yet, she is so great on using what she has to bargain and negotiate with others.
With some perseverance, she is able to build what she needs.

Indonesia, you have all the nature resources to be great.
Yet, you never realize it and always trapped on the culture of playing victim.

So sad that you always try to smile while you are actually crying. 
So sad that you still hide your potential while others always trust your greatness..

Change preferences

People change.
they change their minds
they change their preferences
they change their friends
even they change their type of soulmate.

There is nothing right or wrong on this.
Each people just learn in different way.

Me myself choose different style of friendship.
Previously, I prefer to have small number of friends-
previously, I want to have a deep relationship with small number of people who I call friend.
previously, I want to hear anything about them.

Yet, life change.
and so do I.
now, I prefer to have many friends
and I don't need to know their past, their deep story or having deep connection.
Laughing together is enough to be called a friend.

Its probably sound superficial, yet I find it better.
I can learn a lot of new perspectives, without expectation burdening.

So, anyone want to be my friend now? :)

Self respect as key of happiness

Happiness shouldn't be complicated.

one of the key thing to happiness is your ability to take care of yourself well.

self respect is the key.

Some simple tips:

1. Eat what you wanna eat, but eat consciously.

    I drink coke, eat ice cream and chocolate, but in a sufficient amount.

2. Exercise, a healthy soul start with healthy body. I do exercise at least twice a week.

3. Sleep well, put all of your worry in a paper or keep it at locked box. 

    Just worry when its time to worry, dont let your negative mind ruin your sleep.

4. Do what you like to do to charge yourself.

    I loooove spa, but when I can't go to spa, I do it at home!

5. Grateful. If you have shelter, enough food, ability to buy proper fashion; you already lucky.    

     Don't whine! Life is tough and just keep moving.

Happiness should be simple. Don't over complicate it.

Friendship definition

I've been trying to define friendship lately...I keep asking myself..
What is the definition of best friends?
What is definition of bad friends?

I have browsed the dictionary.. and it doesn't help much this time.
so I will try to define it myself.

For me, friendship is like a relationship.. you need to find a person who can grow up at the same phase with you.
Friendship should be a benefit for both parties, where you resonate things without saying  too many words, where one doesn't need to keep telling other parties to do this and that continuously, where you can create comforts for being with each other.
Friendship should involve trust.. when lies involved, trust broken, then the friendship is gone.

There are times, when I acuse myself as a not so good friend when my friend probably need me badly- I can't stand when my friends keep whining without doing the acts and I can't stand the immature talks involving too much feeling. 
I have been trying to keep reminding myself that friendship should be unconditional, that I should be there in good and bad times. But, then I think, my style of friendship is a different one, I am tough and logic and will not involve pity in a friendship. 

OH, I know this isn't a perfect definition of friendship.
The good thing about my imperfect writings.. everyone can define their own definition of friendship :) 
here is some inspiration for you and me to define friendship : 

Choose your friend wisely fellas!

Writing from the office, again..

I am writing from the office again.

Why?

Because my mind and heart and soul speak too much when I was in office!

They made comments to my every single doing in workplace.

When I was in a meeting, my mind constantly say this and that about the person in front of me

When I was staring at my inbox, my mind constantly cursing how silly people are for asking such an unimportant questions to me

When I was replying emails or crafting a presentation or in a teleconference room, my mind wander.. WHY DO I DO THIS?

Its just very funny, after 4 years and 3 months working, I feel I come back to point zero where I have no clue why am I here or what is my purpose of life.

Its just too funny that I start to think that I probably should try sales, try finance, try anything that less require me to do facilitation job.

When attended one of trainee presentation today, I just somehow knew that I have lost the spirit.

All my mind says these days: "I am tired like Hell, I am tired like Hell"

Lets practice perseverance though, or.. knowing when to quit.
I am reading this book:

Some of the key take outs:

1. Persistence in pursuit of a goal is valuable. So is knowing when to quit.
2. Your brain is hard-wired for persistence 
3. Fear of failure can blind you to the need to quit chasing a goal that isn’t working.
4. Not all quitting is healthy. Quitting with threats or staging a “disappearing act” feeds underlying problems.
5. Manage your possible regrets. Don’t let self-reflection turn into unhealthy rumination.

First time writing from the office.

My life sometimes was in a not so happy time.
From scale 1-10 of happiness, mine is only 3-4. 

I notice that it happens when I can't think clearly and not having time to breathe properly.

What can I do about it?

Managing expectation, and do little things that is matter for myself...

Like now, while I have a lot of task to do, I choose to stop and do what I like to do..writing and breathe! :)

Fa-Mi-Ly part 1

What does family mean?

According to Merriam Webster: 

family |ˈfam(ə)lē|noun ( pl. -lies)1 [treated as sing. or pl. ] a group consisting of parents and children living together in a household.• a group of people related to one another by blood or marriage : friends and family can provide support.• the children of a person or couple : she has the sole responsibility for a large family.• a person or people related to one and so to be treated with a special loyalty or intimacy : I could not turn him away, for he was family.• a group of people united in criminal activity.• Biology a principal taxonomic category that ranks above genus and below order, usually ending in -idae (in zoology) or -aceae (in botany).• a group of objects united by a significant shared characteristic.• Mathematics a group of curves or surfaces obtained by varying the value of a constant in the equation generating them.2 all the descendants of a common ancestor : the house has been owned by the same family for 300 years.• a race or group of peoples from a common stock.• all the languages ultimately derived from a particular early language, regarded as a group : the Austronesian language family.
If I follow above definition, then my ownership of family ended long time ago when I was at elementary school. Last time I lived with both parents are when I was 10- that was 16 years ago. After that I lived with my grandmother and big brother - that categorized me to have a small family, yet when I was 15 or 16, I almost lived alone as my grandmother falling sick and moved to other city with my aunty while my brother is back and forth going to take care of my grandmother.

Well, I am not writing today to discuss or share about my childhood.

I am writing because I have been thinking about this topic for a while.

I am thinking that I am a solitaire person who is incapable of feeling love, and somehow that bring me to the thought that probably I am too long living on my own. 

There, when I start to think whether I never feel loved, thus I am incapable of taking care a relationship or even friendship.

Generally speaking, a human being learn initial things about love from a family.

Yet, I might say, I don't have perfect one. So, is it justified for me to not knowing and to not show love because of my past background?

I don't think so! *said my heart loud and clear

And then I wonder, how does it feel to have a complete family?

How does it feel to have a memory of childhood of running back home from school to your mom and told her everything you have learned that day?

How does it feel to have father who can teach you ride a bike and drive a car?

How does it feel to have someone protect you from harm?

I don't have perfect story here..

but then, when I answer questions above in my head..

somehow my logic brain connects the dots and give an answer:

"You probably never had a perfect family like movies, but some people certainly love you and you are surviving- and most of those experience, you had it with your friends."

And I am stunned by the answer of my logic or my heart (whichever!)..

It made me conclude that family doesn't have to be limited to someone or people that has same DNA or genetics with you. It could be whoever- who care enough and contribute to your life. It possibly one stranger that change your life, it could be your partner in the office who sit next to you. As long as they care, and as long as you believe them and they believe you.. you can say they are family.

Yes, I know its not perfect, but you could live with that!!

to be continued to Fa-Mi-Ly part 2- explaining the feeling of rooted :)

5 Simple Tools for Quieting Your Busy Mind

As I already mentioned in my two previous post, our mind is magic thing, it can bring us happiness and unhappiness. So we have to learn to control it. Today I bump into another blog that also discussing about it, 
here it is...

Our minds are valuable tools, but sometimes they can just be annoying.  Especially when they try to take over, creating an endless stream of thoughts that leave us spinning.  It would not be so bad if they were beautiful and uplifting thoughts, but when our minds gets in this state it’s favorite subjects are usually worry, fear, self-judgment, and guilt.

Who needs that? 

Your mind is not who you are.  It does not control you.  Here are 5 simple tools to try when your brain goes into monkey mind mode:

Prayer and/or Meditation - the ultimate peace giving tools

Mindful Movement – go for a walk or run and count your steps

Focused Activities – Find an activity that requires or inspires your full attention.  Ideas that have worked for others include art, crafts, building things, puzzles, gardening, and sports.

Visualization – Picture the thoughts spinning in your head and then move them to a place outside of you.

Challenging Your Thoughts – Ask yourself if the thoughts are really true and if they serve you.  If not, let them go.  Repeat this process until your mind understands what kinds of thoughts you are willing to keep.

Taken from: www.lifecoachlinda.wordpress.com

Sharing Happiness to Others When You Actually Feel Unhappy

Happy New Year 2014 everyone..!!

Its time to be fierce, to be courageous and to grow more personally.

One of the habit that I'm trying to build since 2013 is meditation.

I believe that it will improve my mental resilience to face life ;)

So I use some simple apps that taught me meditation technique.

The apps is quite simple where it reminds me to do meditation everyday, and then they gave me a quote to ponder along with a nice music background to meditate.

One of my very first quote is "Happiness doesn't decrease when we share it with others"

Quite simple, and I am agree with that.

but something hit me when I do the meditation today,

I think that I never mind sharing happiness with others, but its really hard for me to share happiness when me myself feel unhappy.

That's the challenge!

During my silence time today, I am actually come to a realization that in the unhappy situation, if I can treat other people well and make them feel comfortable anytime (regardless the happiness meter of myself at that time) - will somehow help me to always feel good about myself and then link to the increase of my own happiness.

So... one of my very first commitment in this year is probably to always treat people well.

For my own happiness :) 

and probably you can try too...

Only your mind that can bring you happiness and unhappiness

My mind wanders off a lot lately.
Seems like it finds its own world and creating its own stories, which unfortunately affect my mood a lot. And if I had a Dumbledore's pensieve, here is a piece of my rambled mind. 

I don't feel good lately.
Starting from last christmas eve day.
I suddenly met a huge emptiness starting that day, I feel disappointed with myself who didn't arrange any special event on that day.

It supposed to be special, it supposed to be warm, it supposed to be relieving joy, it supposed to be... (My mind continue to build expectations)
But what I had on that day is.. an empty room, a have no idea "what did i have for dinner?" brain, an empty stomach and a hollow heart.

And I've tried to fixed it, yet, it didn't succeed.
and I tried it the next two days, where I met friends and try to put a beautiful fake smile..
and it didn't succeed.
I tried again today, where I bought my 3 nephew and nieces christmas gifts.
and it didn't succeed.

My mind unrested and was looking for the answer why a logic creature like me can be "not so in shape". Then from thousand of memories in my brain, I remember that about two weeks ago, I read an article about a single writer and traveller who actually feel empty and scared being alone, yet she tried to show to the world that she is strong enough.

That article dispersed in my unconscious mind.
Deep down I questioned whether I act the same.. whether I tried to show to the world that I am strong independent woman, yet I feel vulnerable being alone?
My soul is shaky, my unconscious mind want to do further analysis, while my conscious mind try to stop it.
And so, after that event, in a holy christmas eve, my unconscious mind rattled and affect my feeling.

Until, I open my meditation apps on my phone that said:
"Only the mind that can bring happiness and unhappiness"

I was pondering real hard when read that sentence, and realizing that I was unhappy because of my mind ponder everywhere. While actually if I focus on the now, nothing is wrong, nothing to be worried about - I had family, had several good friends, a good career, a good shelter, able to buy anything I need, able to travel the world if I wanted to.
Everything is available, accessible.
Yet, my mind just over worried and perplexed by a story of someone else's experience.
And its just too funny if I feel unhappy because of my mind (something that I actually can control) was looking at other people's life.

Well, the message of the story was...
We are human gifted by God to control the mind, and not vice versa.
Take care of your mind carefully as it is a garden of your life, you can let anything grow - even if it is not a good one.

Its ok to be alone, literally...

Living in society right now is not easy.
Information overflowing, your friends pictures everywhere, your acquaintances lifes are accessible.

Its very easy for everyone now to compare their life with others,
but sadly, probably in a wrong way.

Its very easy to expect too much from life and its very easy to demand yourself to look at surrounds and expect yourself to be someone else to be accepted.

I should thank God that I learnt it on my very young age.
Rather than learn it later and act as someone else on my old age.

I should thank God that I had enough time suffering alone but surviving. By that, I had enough time build my own confidence, not by being somebody else but being myself, learn from every failures and mistakes and proofing that everything always will be ok.

I should thank God that I had enough time living alone. By that, I had enough time to ponder, find, understand and connect with myself, and learn that it is the truest happiness in life - to know and accept yourself the way it is.

I should thank God that I had a chance to live and survive alone. By that I learn that its ok to feel alone, lonely, abandoned, but strong at the end. And by that I learn that there is no point comparing your life with others, because in the end its about being you yourself and strong.

I should thank God that I had the chance to be independent since my young age. By that, nothing easy, trust me, but... I had the chance to proof it is ok to be alone, as long as you have strong will, everything is possible.

A lot of things I learned when I am almost all alone, but everything is just fine.. even probably, better .