Looking Backward - A decade from 2014

"You cannot connect the dots looking forward, you only can connect the dots looking backward" - Steve Jobs

10 years ago, I was still a senior high school student who still confused.
I never really imagined that I could achieve as much as I have achieved today.

10 years ago, in the very same month, I was struggling to decide which Uni to join, what Department to choose etc etc
At that time, I only knew what subject I like in school and what subject I didn't like.

I used to dream to be a doctor, since I love Biology and Human Physiology deeply.
But then I thought that 4 years in College, 2 years to pursue specialties, and another year to do internship will be cost me too much.

Then I thought I will take something that I can bear.
I hate Physics and Mathematics, so I hinder that two subjects.
Any Engineering profession was eliminated at that time, its no longer an option as I believe I will not like the experiment and Labs.

Any Pure Science - Biology, Chemistry etc also not really an option since I didn't really think it will bring me somewhere in career, particularly in Indonesia.
So, Pharmacy and Food Technology seems have much more Biology and Chemistry. That was the two options I'd like to pursue.

When I decided to take that two options, did I know where it bring me? Did I get a guarantee that I will be successful? The answer is NO.

I always know that life suppose to be lived with hard work and struggle.
That's the only thing I know for sure.
By hard work and struggle, I knew, I will arrive at some better point somewhere in my life.

And now, 10 years later, looking back, I really thankful to my beliefs.
It bring me to a certain decent point in my life. Previously, I was a very insecure girl - well I have pretty much nothing to be granted to claim it.
But now, I can say that I am secured one. I pretty much have everything that I need.

I think its really necessary for us human to look back to a decade and stop for a while, appreciating what we have done, enjoying what we have.
I do feel really grateful for what I have and what I achieved right now.

In fact, I make this year as my another turning point in my life. I quit from my first company, to enjoy a settle down feeling, to re-focus on my journey to a decade ahead.

Well I haven't told you that, I am not a pharmacist nor a food scientist now :D
I deviate from my first plan.
But everything is okay :) because my values: hard work and struggle.

I am now an HR person , yeah I know that you may think I deviate too much....
But then, I also remember that when I was in Junior High School, I wanted to take Philosophy in Uni; but yeah, living in emerging country- that sounds ridiculous.
Now I can really connect that I actually doing something that I like, observing people behavior and think where it comes from.

This year, I take a chance to really quieting my mind again. I try to break all the boundaries and circumstances. I try to think, if I were given a second chance to dream once again, what will I do with my life. And like 10 years ago, I think I will make a decision based on what I like and what I don't like; along with hard work and struggle as the way :)

Hopefully, 10 years from now, in 2024; I will look back to today, and like now, I feel peaceful with what I've done and proud with what I've gone thru.

A small note for you

I always believe that I was born with an empty heart.

There is a gap inside of it which always deliver an insecurity, vulnerability, and loneliness, and since I've found you I learned to deal with it.

Yet the time has come, and this is the time for me to continue the healing journey myself.
Thanks for being the greatest cure in my life

... 

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

 And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Good morning, June!

Its 2nd of June.

I should write this on 1st but it falls on Sunday this year..
so I decide to write on 2nd when it falls on Monday instead :)

I write this on Monday morning, people!
I never never never thought that I will be able to write on morning, and Monday..

It such a great feeling to be able to wake up very fresh on Monday, and no Monday blues at all..

I woke up this morning with such a very great feeling.
I feel not sleepy, I feel energized, I have enough time to sip a cup of hot tea, do some brain gym, read some light articles and have time to plan my day ahead.
Thats all wonderful feeling that I have not been able to experience for.. quite a while (rr..years)

and its simply because I had a relaxed weekend.
I spent two days cooking at home, doing chores and lying on bed.
Never knows that it will make me have such a great feeling for Monday.

So, Good morning people!
Have a great Monday and great week ahead!

Morning view from my balcony

Sipping a cup of tea while planning the day ahead

My Recipe of Happiness

Today, 22 May 2014.

I cannot missed it, I cannot postpone it. I need to write it down.

I am so Happy.
I am sooo Happpyyy, until I think that I will not be able to be happier than today.

Today I feel light and content at the same time.
I feel so alive and grateful for the days that I had.

Why?

So here is the recipe:

1. I woke up quite early and have the time for sipping hot tea while doing some homework before I do anything else.
2. I had a good nap in the afternoon, it was only 1.5-2 hours, yet very fulfilling.
3. I made time to do yoga at my house. It was only 30 mins session guided by some youtube video :p YET it was very refreshing.
4. I cooked, yes you read it right. I cooked! after a long time, I cooked something with heat. A homecooking food always be the best remedy.
5. I had dinner with myself, while starring at the beautiful dim light of Jakarta. I had a time for my mind to wander a lot.

These five lists of activities, is my combo package of happiness.

Happiness is simple :)

Love,
Catherine

Its ok to be alone, literally...

Living in society right now is not easy.
Information overflowing, your friends pictures everywhere, your acquaintances lifes are accessible.

Its very easy for everyone now to compare their life with others,
but sadly, probably in a wrong way.

Its very easy to expect too much from life and its very easy to demand yourself to look at surrounds and expect yourself to be someone else to be accepted.

I should thank God that I learnt it on my very young age.
Rather than learn it later and act as someone else on my old age.

I should thank God that I had enough time suffering alone but surviving. By that, I had enough time build my own confidence, not by being somebody else but being myself, learn from every failures and mistakes and proofing that everything always will be ok.

I should thank God that I had enough time living alone. By that, I had enough time to ponder, find, understand and connect with myself, and learn that it is the truest happiness in life - to know and accept yourself the way it is.

I should thank God that I had a chance to live and survive alone. By that I learn that its ok to feel alone, lonely, abandoned, but strong at the end. And by that I learn that there is no point comparing your life with others, because in the end its about being you yourself and strong.

I should thank God that I had the chance to be independent since my young age. By that, nothing easy, trust me, but... I had the chance to proof it is ok to be alone, as long as you have strong will, everything is possible.

A lot of things I learned when I am almost all alone, but everything is just fine.. even probably, better .

Long Morning Random Thought: Paradoxes of Life

I had a conversation with my friend yesterday.
It was a very simple ordinary dinner, but I think a lot afterwards.

The topic of the conversation was random as usual, but this time I can pull a red line from that.
I think, me myself as a human is a contradictory creature and I have a lot of paradoxes in life. But my self defense said that all human being is.

Here is several real life examples :

When approaching the time of achieving dream, human will tend to pause, or slow down a bit and take a time to think whether this is what they want. Or even, on the extreme case, human have this agitate feeling when the finish line approaching. After sometime living a life full of efforts to achieve the dream, when the dream comes true, human can back off and feel that they lose the motivation and they lose their privilege to dream. 

Case example: I am not married yet, but several cases show that the groom and the bride can back off suddenly when approaching the D-day. The D-day that they thought will be the happiest moment in their life.

It is so funny that I also realize how human sometime living life another way around to protect themselves. Some people prefer to live alone, but it is not because of they are cold people who really love to be alone, but they choose to live that way because living together with someone else is increasing the risk of losing the other person- which they know will break their heart worse than holding the lonely feeling of living alone.

I also find it is interesting for people who have a lot of outer circle friends. They appear loveable and kind and warm to everyone, yet when it comes to their inner circle, they become themselves and being selfish and ignorant. 

Do you know that people sometimes treat their outer circle nicer than their inner circle?  Do you know why? because sometime people put the mask on, they feel they are obligated to behave like what the surroundings demand from them, and when they face their inner circle, they are tired already that they need to be themselves and expecting that the inner circle understand them better.

And the last case, I am amazed how the perception can be 180 degrees different from the reality. Since human self defense is sometime 180 degrees from what made them most vulnerable, sometime we judge people's life wrongly. 

So here is my lesson learnt :

1. Next time when you are too excited run achieving your dream, think again, stop for a while. It might not be the thing that you really want or need. You just get too excited achieving it.
2. Next time when you meet cold people, don't judge that they are cruel etc. Vice versa, when you meet warm people, don't trust easily that they are kind people.
3. Next time when you think that your life is very vulnerable, look again, it might not be that bad, and you can always feel grateful about it.
4. Next time when you meet new people or new circumstances, try to not make any perception or judgement before you get the complete story. Your brain can cheat you :)

Simple Happiness: I give myself a holiday on Sunday morning

This morning, I woke up and thought this will be another ordinary Sunday. But then, I made a phone call to one of Balinese Spa across the street. I want to start this day, relax. They have a free slot at 10 am, then went there. The spa was good. Made me feel fresh and light.

Initially, I planned to go straight back home, so I went outside the spa, and surprisingly feel really happy found the sun shines brightly.

Suddenly, my feet led me to a café in the corner of the street, I forget the plan to went back home soon. Within seconds, I sit there and ordered the only one breakfast menu that they had. Sunny side egg with toasted bread.

Then, two slices of bread came, followed by one glass of orange juice and a cup of hot tea. “Wow, this is a big breakfast!” I thought. Seemed that it wasn’t enough, another plate of sunny side egg with hash brown potato and sausages came.

“Well, this is Sunday, lets have a BIG happy breakfast” I told myself.

I didn’t know where the idea came from, suddenly an idea popped up “Let’s act as a tourist this morning, I deserve holiday” . Then, I put my sunglasses on, formalized my crazy sudden idea to act as a tourist.

I sit there around an hour, enjoying my breakfast while watching people come and go crossing the street, open a map or just stop taking pictures. There are people with many nationalities: Korean, Japanese, Malaysian, Western, Middle Eastern. “They are on holiday…” I thought. “Mmm..wait..Today?? What date is it? How can they easily pick up their holiday date?”

I keep watching them while finishing my breakfast. Their faces portray excitement, happiness. My brain couldn’t stop thinking “Why are they so excited and happy?”

During that time, I realized something. We are human often fail appreciating what we have. We forget to be grateful for a little small things surround us.

I live there, 100 meters from one of tourism spot in Singapore, I often go there to have a fast breakfast, or dinner. First time I went there, I am so excited, but the feeling is disappeared after the third visit. When things are taking their ordinary course, it’s so easy to take everyday life for granted.

Don’t you think it is funny? Human often wait for something BIG happened in their life to be happy. We wait to see new things to be excited, and pathetically, we fail appreciating the surrounds beauty.

We think that we’ll be happy once we arrive at some destinations. But often, arriving doesn’t make us as happy as well, we keep raising the bar, we keep stacking our expectation. It’s important not to expect too much happiness at the destination, but the journey as well. Appreciating the journey, the little things and surround is really important.

Today, I remind myself to be grateful for what I have. For the family, and lovely friends that I have.

Today, I remind myself to be grateful for all the processes happening in my life, it doesn’t always be a bright sunny day, but I will learn to be thankful and put faith on life.

Today, I remind myself to be grateful for all of my surroundings, beautiful city – I call it “City of lights”.

And today, I give myself a sweet holiday. I don’t need to be a tourist somewhere to be happy, being here in the middle of the crowd, I will be as happy as those tourists