Family (Part 2): Education is my Culture!

Today is 20 February 2015, still in Chinese New Year Season.

While many families wearing red, feel happy to visit other family member, I feel nothing. I don't feel excited at all.

Yes, I born amongst Chinese family, but I born in Indonesia and never leave the country ever since (except for 7 months in 2012). I speak Bahasa, even Sundanese, I don't speak Chinese, and I don't recall that I celebrate Chinese New Year since I was a kid.

I tried to recall, did I even celebrate any festive season when I was a kid..

Did I celebrate Christmas?
No, I never have anything called Xmas dinner nor have Xmas tree on the living room.

Did I celebrate Idul Fitri?
No, I never bake any cake or going to fam's house to ask for any forgiveness.

Did I celebrate Chinese New Year?
No, obviously I never wear any red stuff or eat any famous moon cakes or receive thing called Ang Pao.

Did I celebrate New Year Eve?
Kinda, I remembered bought paper trumpet . That's it.

So it seems I do not celebrate any festive season, I often feel hard to relate to any cultures.
They say family build your culture of festive season, in my case, I don't think so.
The only culture that I really had since I was a kid is working hard and survival mode, if you do good at school you will become better person.

I Googled things, and I found this about my predecessor:

Taken from: http://history-of-culture.blogspot.com/2011/10/entry-of-chinese-people-tionghoa.html

So I accidentally happen to know that my Grandpa of my Grandpa (Lauw O Teng) is actually one of the founder for one of the very first school in Indonesia, which triggered other people in Indonesia at that time to build other school.

I am super proud of the fact.
I have been living for more than 20 years with weird feeling for not having any rooted culture
I finally can say, the culture we trust in the family is education, and not the other.

I ponder the fact, and I totally can relate with this "new culture I found"
I ask myself the question "If I have everything in the world already, what I wanna do?" - my answer is I'd like to go to medicine school, to neuroscience and philosophy school - not to work or have any career but to learn for the rest of my life.
I also would like to be a writer so that I can share the knowledge I have with world.
(this blog is actually one of my way to practice my writing skill)

So, to close the paragraphs, when you meet me somewhere, don't call me Chinese! call me an educated person :p

A Letter to My Dear Boss..

Dear Boss,

I respect you deeply. Having a chance to have a conversation with you today was one of tremendous moment during my stay in this company. There are several unsaid statements that I couldn't point out just now, but I want you to know..

I am sad that I finally make a final decision for leaving this company, and especially the people. But the more we talked, the more I convinced that this is the path that I need to pursue.

I am terribly sad that I realized that you don't know me that well, until you think that I made the biggest mistake in my career. (I have a defense statement for that below!)

But, I think its not your mistake. Its completely mine.
Joined this company 4.5 years ago, I learn about the people and leaders, 
as kid I try to adapt because I knew its the only way to survive.
I embraced the opportunity of being changed, I was curious and driven to know how I will end up in this company, and curious whether I will have new skills or new color of life.

And, YES, I DID!
I finally adopt (not adapt) the leader's wish, and I become someone that is expected.
Its like I was being the great fit of the company.

I enjoyed the journey and feel fulfilled and accomplished, until I realized that I lost my true color.

Now I dismantle my ego and I need to humbly say.. I don't know what I want.
and I admit and I accept that I was on that stage.
I support myself to embrace "the stage", as I believe its okay to made myself lost sometime.

I am really sorry if you are so disappointed that you find out that I am not someone that you think you know well, that I am not the potential talent that you think will be the great fit for the future.
You might say that I have cheating on you for this whole time, or saying that I have no maturity for not knowing what do I want in life.

I accept all the accusants.

And I understand that I have not met your expectation, and I have made you disappointed. 

But it's time for me to be myself, its the opportunity for me to get lost once again and find my other true colors. I always believe that life is about the journey to find ourselves.
I never wish that my whole life will be predictable, I had enough 4.5 predictable years- I controlled the years where I am sure with the result!
I am 27 years old now, and I still have 33 years journey to fix my career, if you are sure that I am about to make biggest mistake in my life :) And I believe I can fix it, I believe I still could find a way to be even better than before if I want it. 

For me life is about the journey and it is not always about wrong or right path that we take. It will always meant to be that way. As long as I do it consciously and with full responsibility, I will be just fine.

Thanks for all the time and patience to sit down, and try to understand me and try to provide me some more options that you think better. And I am so sorry if I am being stubborn, and fyi, please don't accuse me that I am not persistence enough (I plea for this one) :p

Now I am asking your blessing and mental support for me to pursue my new path of life..and Don't worry too much, I will be okay. 

Eventually I will be better person than today.

:)

Sincerely,
Catherine

Fa-Mi-Ly part 1

What does family mean?

According to Merriam Webster: 

family |ˈfam(ə)lē|noun ( pl. -lies)1 [treated as sing. or pl. ] a group consisting of parents and children living together in a household.• a group of people related to one another by blood or marriage : friends and family can provide support.• the children of a person or couple : she has the sole responsibility for a large family.• a person or people related to one and so to be treated with a special loyalty or intimacy : I could not turn him away, for he was family.• a group of people united in criminal activity.• Biology a principal taxonomic category that ranks above genus and below order, usually ending in -idae (in zoology) or -aceae (in botany).• a group of objects united by a significant shared characteristic.• Mathematics a group of curves or surfaces obtained by varying the value of a constant in the equation generating them.2 all the descendants of a common ancestor : the house has been owned by the same family for 300 years.• a race or group of peoples from a common stock.• all the languages ultimately derived from a particular early language, regarded as a group : the Austronesian language family.
If I follow above definition, then my ownership of family ended long time ago when I was at elementary school. Last time I lived with both parents are when I was 10- that was 16 years ago. After that I lived with my grandmother and big brother - that categorized me to have a small family, yet when I was 15 or 16, I almost lived alone as my grandmother falling sick and moved to other city with my aunty while my brother is back and forth going to take care of my grandmother.

Well, I am not writing today to discuss or share about my childhood.

I am writing because I have been thinking about this topic for a while.

I am thinking that I am a solitaire person who is incapable of feeling love, and somehow that bring me to the thought that probably I am too long living on my own. 

There, when I start to think whether I never feel loved, thus I am incapable of taking care a relationship or even friendship.

Generally speaking, a human being learn initial things about love from a family.

Yet, I might say, I don't have perfect one. So, is it justified for me to not knowing and to not show love because of my past background?

I don't think so! *said my heart loud and clear

And then I wonder, how does it feel to have a complete family?

How does it feel to have a memory of childhood of running back home from school to your mom and told her everything you have learned that day?

How does it feel to have father who can teach you ride a bike and drive a car?

How does it feel to have someone protect you from harm?

I don't have perfect story here..

but then, when I answer questions above in my head..

somehow my logic brain connects the dots and give an answer:

"You probably never had a perfect family like movies, but some people certainly love you and you are surviving- and most of those experience, you had it with your friends."

And I am stunned by the answer of my logic or my heart (whichever!)..

It made me conclude that family doesn't have to be limited to someone or people that has same DNA or genetics with you. It could be whoever- who care enough and contribute to your life. It possibly one stranger that change your life, it could be your partner in the office who sit next to you. As long as they care, and as long as you believe them and they believe you.. you can say they are family.

Yes, I know its not perfect, but you could live with that!!

to be continued to Fa-Mi-Ly part 2- explaining the feeling of rooted :)