A Note on Valentine's Day

Every time I remember you, I remember the father that I never had.
Even though I never have you as mine, you replace him, you give me a sense of security and confident.
You obviously never say yes to everything I wish for, but you are biggest piece of my sane life.

Every time I remember you, I feel I was in kindergarten.
I surrounded by innocent laughter.
I remember we explore every crazy thoughts we have and we fulfill each other curiosities.

Every time I remember you, I feel you are my old best friend.
We rarely spend time together yet I feel you close to my heart.
Every time we meet, we will pour out our thoughts and we share each other stories.

So, Happy Valentine's Day, dear you in Rome!

A series of brokenhearted story

My heart has been broken several times - 3 major breaks and several tiny wounds to be exact :) Soon will add one more, and this time, could be massive break. 

Looking back, I am amazed that I survive that 3 major breaks.
What so funny about that three major breaks, I don't think I ever be with them in a nice condition. They were.. either with someone else when I found them or never admitted me in front of his family.

The first one was my early junior high school crush to my cool senior called Dave Moffats.
I never be really with him, we just spent several calls to have a deep chat.
Yet, I was longing for him like.. years, and when I found out he was with someone else - I still remember that day I felt like I want to take a suicidal act.

The second one was my love rebound from that senior Dave.
Someone from my peers, someone that I never really noticed before, well I knew he already has relationship with a shy girl.
Yet, somehow, he said that he noticed me for two years back and never had a chance talked to me. So from there we tried to go together, with a ditch act from him to that shy girl .. and it only lasts for.. 3 months. Gosh!
He look after another girl again afterwards. Shoot!
It felt so hurts at that time. I spent two years forgetting this one.

And the third one feel like drama when I write this now..
He basically a son of a pastor in my church, where to have a relationship need a serious commitment and a series of praying and approval events.
He is such a nice guy, a pianist, yet I knew his dark side.
I have accepted him for whom he was, yet he treated me like I was not exist.
He decided to leave me just because of her older sister's bad dream. Gosh!
This one cost me too much! I need to turn off my hand phone for 6 months, and series of days losing appetite to eat or do anything else. 

After these stories, there are several more wounds, but not as major as these three- even if when I broke up with my 7 years boy friend.

Look at my stories above.. I can conclude a red bold line, I tend to love what I don't have. I admire a guy who never committed to be with me.

I love loving someone who are able to break my heart, otherwise I can't call it Love.

I have the fourth story with me now, the lovely imperfect story; the depth of relationship was deeper than ever, I never give and take as many as this before.

This story, could end up anytime too; and we'll see how can I cope up.

However it was proven that with the three stories before, I could be stronger than yesterday.

Eagle

Dear Eagle,

I remember found you one day years ago
You are handsome, brave yet bruised.
I remember found you with your broken wings,
defeated by the unmet expectations and fear of being alone.

I decided to take care of you while I know you'll fly someday
I fed you love and warmth, hoping you gain your hope and confident.
I'd love to see you try to fly once again, even if I know that I'll miss you badly.

The time for you to fly is nearly come
I looked back and never regret decision I made 
I find every seconds worth, seeing your wings spread and your every attempt to fly

I always know that your home is not with me
You are meant to be flying upthere, somewhere.
I wish you enjoy every storm and weather you are flying into

Send me some prays when you are away.. 

A small note for you

I always believe that I was born with an empty heart.

There is a gap inside of it which always deliver an insecurity, vulnerability, and loneliness, and since I've found you I learned to deal with it.

Yet the time has come, and this is the time for me to continue the healing journey myself.
Thanks for being the greatest cure in my life

... 

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

 And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

A Letter to a best friend (that turns out to be the best lover)

Dear You,

I write this letter years before we are separated.

And I write this not because I would like to leave you or separate from you..I just know, that someday, our story will come to an end for whatever reasons.

I write it now, so that we can memorize what we have now, in these glorious beautiful moments.

I would like to thank you for all the moments we have spent together.

Your presence in my life teach me thousands love and life lessons, lessons that probably you yourself have not learned..

Our moments teach me that love does not always about having..but its about giving the best out of yourself.

Love is not always about to be together, it needs us to grow ourselves, separately sometimes, and gather back together to be stronger than before.

You teach me that heart is capable to be expanded, to love more than one God’s creature at the same time. And the most valuable of all, you show me love that teach me about being vulnerable and feel strong at the same time.

Thanks for sharing moments and lessons with me .

Yours always,

Me

Things About Love that Logic Doesn't Understand

All of us know, Love and Logic are not always go along together well.

But I am so amazed how love can change logic mind, and even make irrational things..
become rational and acceptable.

I never imagine that love can justify everything and even change something 180 degrees to the opposite.

I am the living example.
I never thought or imagined that I could break all the boundaries set up by myself.

But Love does.
It makes me crazy and just act irrationally and I am happy.

I can say that I am impatient person, but for Love, I would nicely patiently wait...when things are slow, Love give me power and faith to wait.

I am an unbeliever of magic, but somehow Love has bring magic into my life.
1+1 not only equal to two , but more.

Love is becoming my religion, as it gives me faith.
Love is becoming my future, as it gives me hope.
and that's what logic doesn't give.. faith and hope.

Logic doesn't understand and never match with faith and hope.
its unexplained, and its intangible, but its there.

Utopian romantic

Life is so much about surprises. 

Also love.

Human cannot run from the feeling of wanting and dreaming of finding their soulmate.

Can we human never dream about the happy settle feeling to be shared with the loved one?

or dreaming about happy home that is built together?

Human is wired to find love.

On finding it... that's another story. Human is wired to have utopian dream about it.

Some people wish to find it on their friends eyes.

Some people wish to find it on the new faces they met.

or even, some people wish to find it miraculously fall from heaven.

But I still remember how I find mine.

First fact about it, I don't realize it, and surprisingly, I don't expect it.

It was several years ago.

he was one of my colleague that I didn't know well, even probably I didn't know his name.

we went for teamwork training in an exotic resort in an island far far away.

I remember, first time I notice that he was there is when he made jokes with others.

and theylaughed often.

-- My first impression - he was an ice breaker guy, who probably too extrovert for me.

And then..... I forget.

I am too busy feel excited arriving at the exotic resort.

Until that after dinner time session, somehow we were in one karaoke team.

now I start to noticed him as he lent me his kind of Texas hat

-- my second impression - he has a kind open heart, who probably not really my style

The night getting late, we were singing, laughing and dancing together. 

What I knew at that time, I was enjoying my time around him. That's it.

The day after, we were again managed to be one team on building sand castle competition.

There was nothing special, no feeling or else.

Yet, when the pictures are being distributed after the event, I realized that somehow I managed myself to be next to him in the at least 7 pics.

-- my justification: that was just probability effect.

And, the outing came to an end.

me and several friends managed to continue our trip for shopping on next famous island.

I am excited for shopping!

But on the cruise went to the next island, I felt sudden emptiness.

I looked for his presence, I felt sudden disappointment that he was not there.

I was anxious and hated my self for not saying a proper goodbye.

That sudden empty feeling gave me a signal that I was craving, and wanting to be next to him, who I had not known until 40 hours before. And that's how I find mine.

It's far from the ideal utopian dream, but its sweet.

Real vs Unreal

So, who could tell me what is real and what is unreal?

I was spending two days – 48 hours with him, in fact I have spent 1 year and 4 months loving him.

When I took him to airport this morning, I was questioning, what is real between us?

Is it worth to spend time loving him, and yet, I doubt what is the result of this kind of “very complicated” relationship?

What is the most important factor of Real?

Is this relationship actually happening or not? Is this result of the reality, or just my wishful thinking?

These questions trigger me to think more and more about this relationship.

Well, let me elaborate what was happening between me and him.

So.. we are together, mm not we aren’t.. he does with someone else..

We are falling in love for each other, mmm not quite sure. 

I can assure that i am falling in love with him, but not quite sure vice versa..

We are meeting each other. Yes, we are regularly meet each other.

We are taking care of each other. mmm, sort of..

So can we categorize this as relationship?

real one? or unreal one?

Its laugh and love and everything in between

In between love and laugh..

there are tears

there are pains

there are struggles, insecurities, vulnerabilities..

there are scars and panic attacks.

its not always butterfly and rainbow.

but it is my way to get the laugh and love with you.

the journey that is really worth to have.

If its not like the movies, I won't take it

I always believe on below lyric…

When you find the right one, it should feel like the movies, cinematic and dramatic..

When you find the right one, it is so beautiful that it feels unreal

 

He put it on me, I put it on

Like there was nothin’ wrong

It didn’t fit, it wasn’t right
Wasn’t just the size

They say you know when you know
I don’t know

I didn’t feel
The fairy tale feeling, no
Am I a stupid girl
For even dreaming that I could?

If it’s not like the movies
That’s how it should be
When he’s the one, I’ll come undone
And my world will stop spinning

And that’s just the beginning

Snow White said when I was young
One day, my prince will come so I’ll wait for that date
They say it’s hard to meet your match
Gotta find my better half so we make perfect shapes

If stars don’t align, if it doesn’t stop time
If you can’t see the sign, wait for it
One-hundred percent, worth every penny you spend
He’ll be the one that finishes your sentences

If it’s not like the movies
That’s how it should be, yeah
When he’s the one, I’ll come undone
And my world will stop spinning

And that’s just the beginning

‘Cause I know you’re out there
And you’re, you’re lookin’ for me
It’s a crazy idea that
You were made perfectly for me, you see

Just like the movies
That’s how it will be
Cinematic and dramatic
With the perfect ending

It’s not like the movies
But that’s how it should be
When he’s the one, you’ll come undone
And your world will stop spinning

And it’s just the beginning

Questioning-edited.

There are a lot of things that you could doubt about yourself..

You doubt your self ability,
You doubt your decision making process,
You doubt your choice..
And probably, you doubt your sanity..

Today, over a cup of hot hazelnut latte I am questioning myself..I doubt every single logic decision that I’ve made.

The question is:
Why I choose one particular guy over hundreds guy that I could be with..?

Tried so many hundreds time to make a “why” list..and now, I’ll try once again to make the list..just to make sure that I have enough reasons to choose him as the owner of my heart.. and here it comes the reasons:

1. Because I respect him
2. Because everytime I look at him, I just know that he is the one
3. Because he is the one I am look up to.. Fyi, I am super independent stubborn girl who rarely look up to someone..
4. Because he is acting super cool everytime, have an enormous high confidence that every girl in town will be down to their knee to get him (rr… I am a bit exaggerating here)
5. Because he is playing hard to get, yet care enough about me
6. Because he is brave enough to take the risks just to be with me? --> Make me feel worth enough?
7. Because, basically, he is the one with huge testosterone which make him looks enormously sexy! He is the most manly man I ever met.. Yet he is detail and super neat. A very good blend of a guy which every woman dreaming.. (Am I exaggerating again? No! )
8. Because he smells good (let’s go to the physical part); tall and big, good looking enough – great second look, have a deep eyes, have a very good taste on cars, watch, and electronics!
9. Because he is the man!

Seems the reasons are good enough eh? yet, he does living with someone else.

Heart never lies rite? It always guide you to the right one. Does it?

Today, over that cup of hazelnut latte, I am questioning, whether my feeling is real, or am I dating and falling in love with my own brain..? Or I just simply trapped in my own illusion of falling in love..?
PS: this isn’t black or white story.. being grey is part of life..

I ever once look for a definition of love

I ever once, try to define a word called LOVE

And I failed, failed, failed and failing again

I was looking the answer to all over the world, to every book I read, to every single person I spoke, to every song I heard.

I was wondering, where can I find the answer.

What kind of creature is that?

Some said, you feel really alive when you have something called LOVE

Some said, you feel really awful when you lose it

And some said, it just a sparks and fireworks which is unreal.

Until the time that I found you.

Until the period you taught me about unconditional love.

Giving without expecting.

I can't describe it with words..

yet it just feel right, it just feel peaceful.