A Birthday Note - Start Practicing Self Love.

Will it be too weird if I write a birthday note after a post about plans before dying?
(well I am weird and random..)

It is several minutes passing my birth day.
My pondering moment come easily the whole day. I try to stop it but it flows profusely.

I was kinda reviewing myself, I was trying to look to myself deeper and ask those long boring questions:
 "Who Am I? What Am I Doing in This World? Why Am I Here? What Am I Meant to Be? Had I Give the Best Shot for My Life? What Am I Afraid Of?" etc etc etc

In the middle of me answering questions from the other part of me, I stuck at one point where I realize I am not being honest with myself.

I thought I am at the point where I don't care about what other people think about me.
I thought I am at the point where I don't need to be perfect and can accept myself with that.
And I thought I have loved myself as much as I need me to love me.
But the more I asked myself about the very last thought, the more I doubt about it.

I honestly never really feel anything about myself.
I raised myself to be a strong woman, a truly strong independent, confident one.
(for the last adjective, I build it from my thousands unconfident experiences) ;
the all above adjectives made me think I am at point where I love myself enough.

And yet, still, the more I think about it, the more I doubt it.
This is not about me hating myself, definitely no.. but I just realize that I don't love myself enough.
I always told myself the TOO wordings: Too fat, too skinny, too lazy, too harsh, too hardworker, too ..., too..., too...., too..., too... and a lot other too.. things.

I come to a realization, that I have not enough given a chance to say to myself: enough effort, enough sleep, enough willingness...

So I thought self-loving is easy, but no, it is not.

Today is my first day on my new age, so I guess I need to practice a lot about self loving.
Yet, I am grateful to be able to realize this in such a young age, because the topic of self-loving will need to be learned in a lifetime.
Today I give myself a praise to myself on these hard realization (well it's not easy..)
I have a year homework to work on the 'enough' part :)

I love candle as a symbol of reflection

 

Last, let me blow the candle for myself :)

 

What is Your Plan Before Dying?

The title sounds creepy for some people. But not for me..
Unlike any other person generally, I'd like to know my time limit.
I'd like to know how much time left for me.

The biggest mistake most people made, they assume their time is unlimited. The second biggest mistake people made, they stick to only one plan and refuse to adjust to other plan.

I make a plan and the backup plan for my life..

If tomorrow, suddenly things happen and I am gone, I'll be happy and content - I have done so much more than I ever planned before.
If tomorrow, doctors suddenly said I only have 24 weeks left, I'll be happy too - I will quit my job as soon as I can, I will plan a good crematory, joining some insurance plan for the family, and travelling around the world before the time is coming.

If somehow I still have 3-4 years left, I will go back to school and do more travelling.
If it is ten years, I'll make sure I can afford live somewhere near the beach where I can feel the ocean breeze and staring on every waves on the beach every single days.
If it is twenty-thirty years from now, I'll make sure I raise a good kid and give him/her the knowledge and wisdom of life as much as I can.
And I think, I don't wish to live more than fifty years from today. I have lived enough life to be happy, to be content, to plan anything and to stop expecting from tomorrow.

See, don't you think it is easier if you just make a timeframe for your life? So whatever may come tomorrow to your life, you feel more ready on prioritizing what is more important for you.

The Time is not Unlimited

Family (Part 2): Education is my Culture!

Today is 20 February 2015, still in Chinese New Year Season.

While many families wearing red, feel happy to visit other family member, I feel nothing. I don't feel excited at all.

Yes, I born amongst Chinese family, but I born in Indonesia and never leave the country ever since (except for 7 months in 2012). I speak Bahasa, even Sundanese, I don't speak Chinese, and I don't recall that I celebrate Chinese New Year since I was a kid.

I tried to recall, did I even celebrate any festive season when I was a kid..

Did I celebrate Christmas?
No, I never have anything called Xmas dinner nor have Xmas tree on the living room.

Did I celebrate Idul Fitri?
No, I never bake any cake or going to fam's house to ask for any forgiveness.

Did I celebrate Chinese New Year?
No, obviously I never wear any red stuff or eat any famous moon cakes or receive thing called Ang Pao.

Did I celebrate New Year Eve?
Kinda, I remembered bought paper trumpet . That's it.

So it seems I do not celebrate any festive season, I often feel hard to relate to any cultures.
They say family build your culture of festive season, in my case, I don't think so.
The only culture that I really had since I was a kid is working hard and survival mode, if you do good at school you will become better person.

I Googled things, and I found this about my predecessor:

Taken from: http://history-of-culture.blogspot.com/2011/10/entry-of-chinese-people-tionghoa.html

So I accidentally happen to know that my Grandpa of my Grandpa (Lauw O Teng) is actually one of the founder for one of the very first school in Indonesia, which triggered other people in Indonesia at that time to build other school.

I am super proud of the fact.
I have been living for more than 20 years with weird feeling for not having any rooted culture
I finally can say, the culture we trust in the family is education, and not the other.

I ponder the fact, and I totally can relate with this "new culture I found"
I ask myself the question "If I have everything in the world already, what I wanna do?" - my answer is I'd like to go to medicine school, to neuroscience and philosophy school - not to work or have any career but to learn for the rest of my life.
I also would like to be a writer so that I can share the knowledge I have with world.
(this blog is actually one of my way to practice my writing skill)

So, to close the paragraphs, when you meet me somewhere, don't call me Chinese! call me an educated person :p

A Note on Valentine's Day

Every time I remember you, I remember the father that I never had.
Even though I never have you as mine, you replace him, you give me a sense of security and confident.
You obviously never say yes to everything I wish for, but you are biggest piece of my sane life.

Every time I remember you, I feel I was in kindergarten.
I surrounded by innocent laughter.
I remember we explore every crazy thoughts we have and we fulfill each other curiosities.

Every time I remember you, I feel you are my old best friend.
We rarely spend time together yet I feel you close to my heart.
Every time we meet, we will pour out our thoughts and we share each other stories.

So, Happy Valentine's Day, dear you in Rome!

Looking Backward - A decade from 2014

"You cannot connect the dots looking forward, you only can connect the dots looking backward" - Steve Jobs

10 years ago, I was still a senior high school student who still confused.
I never really imagined that I could achieve as much as I have achieved today.

10 years ago, in the very same month, I was struggling to decide which Uni to join, what Department to choose etc etc
At that time, I only knew what subject I like in school and what subject I didn't like.

I used to dream to be a doctor, since I love Biology and Human Physiology deeply.
But then I thought that 4 years in College, 2 years to pursue specialties, and another year to do internship will be cost me too much.

Then I thought I will take something that I can bear.
I hate Physics and Mathematics, so I hinder that two subjects.
Any Engineering profession was eliminated at that time, its no longer an option as I believe I will not like the experiment and Labs.

Any Pure Science - Biology, Chemistry etc also not really an option since I didn't really think it will bring me somewhere in career, particularly in Indonesia.
So, Pharmacy and Food Technology seems have much more Biology and Chemistry. That was the two options I'd like to pursue.

When I decided to take that two options, did I know where it bring me? Did I get a guarantee that I will be successful? The answer is NO.

I always know that life suppose to be lived with hard work and struggle.
That's the only thing I know for sure.
By hard work and struggle, I knew, I will arrive at some better point somewhere in my life.

And now, 10 years later, looking back, I really thankful to my beliefs.
It bring me to a certain decent point in my life. Previously, I was a very insecure girl - well I have pretty much nothing to be granted to claim it.
But now, I can say that I am secured one. I pretty much have everything that I need.

I think its really necessary for us human to look back to a decade and stop for a while, appreciating what we have done, enjoying what we have.
I do feel really grateful for what I have and what I achieved right now.

In fact, I make this year as my another turning point in my life. I quit from my first company, to enjoy a settle down feeling, to re-focus on my journey to a decade ahead.

Well I haven't told you that, I am not a pharmacist nor a food scientist now :D
I deviate from my first plan.
But everything is okay :) because my values: hard work and struggle.

I am now an HR person , yeah I know that you may think I deviate too much....
But then, I also remember that when I was in Junior High School, I wanted to take Philosophy in Uni; but yeah, living in emerging country- that sounds ridiculous.
Now I can really connect that I actually doing something that I like, observing people behavior and think where it comes from.

This year, I take a chance to really quieting my mind again. I try to break all the boundaries and circumstances. I try to think, if I were given a second chance to dream once again, what will I do with my life. And like 10 years ago, I think I will make a decision based on what I like and what I don't like; along with hard work and struggle as the way :)

Hopefully, 10 years from now, in 2024; I will look back to today, and like now, I feel peaceful with what I've done and proud with what I've gone thru.

Turn your wound into your strengths

“I’m stronger because of hard times, wiser because of my mistakes; and happier because I have known sadness.” - Unknown

Some people look up to me as their role model, some said I am being lucky to be able to reach a great career in my young age. I live in an emerging country where I can go to gym which cost equal to 50% of some other people monthly revenue or I can go shopping on weekend which cost equal to 100% of some other people monthly salary..(note: Only if I wanted to)

 

So many people looking at me with jealousy- they said I am lucky and success; some even guessed I am a spoiled daughter of some big family. But not so many people know, I am an open wound.

Life has been really tough on me since I was a kid, I never had a complete family. My dad was never been there since I was one year old, and my mom, she was too busy healing herself. I grew up with insecurities, I grew up with that loneliness and that craving for attention feeling.

 

I went to one of famous high school in Indonesia, when every other kids went there with expensive cars, I simply used my old brother’s motorcycle or general transportation. When everyone changed their fashion every two weeks, I simply changed it for once a year. When everyone went to holiday with their parent’s money, I simply need to sell one of my gadget to afford vacation.
 

It sound shallow when you compare yourself with other by what you have and what you wear. But for 11 year old kids, it is. I grew up bitter, not having anyone protecting me at that time.

My only reason of being able to be successful today is my will to push myself. 

I always push my limits, I always give and deliver more. Some said, that is my quality. No it is not. It is my coping mechanism.

I never have anyone who I can count on, since I was a kid, I only trust myself, I work really damn hard and trying to not really care about my surroundings. Slow but sure, I am paving my success path with that open wound.

Until one day, I realize that my life is getting better, everything is settled and I can fulfill anything that I need. I looked back and just realized that I run from my past, I run with that open wound and never plan to come back.

Today, I convince myself that if not because of my wound and coping mechanism, I will not be here and achieving this point in life. This wound has taught me a good quality of life, that we can’t always depend on others for our happiness, that it is pointless to compare yourself with others.

Sometime, its still hurt if I remember those sad times in the past, but I am trying to accept that as my past and turn it to my strengths. I taught myself to remember that    I am not who I am today without the wound. It is easier to say than to do it.

When life hits you hard, when you lose someone you love, you will not automatically embrace the pain, you will hate it, you struggle, you want to run.

Its easy to forget the lesson that you have learnt; but today I remind myself once again (and you) to embrace your wound and turn it to your strength! I believe you also have passed some stories in your life- the story that make you stronger than yesterday J

A series of brokenhearted story

My heart has been broken several times - 3 major breaks and several tiny wounds to be exact :) Soon will add one more, and this time, could be massive break. 

Looking back, I am amazed that I survive that 3 major breaks.
What so funny about that three major breaks, I don't think I ever be with them in a nice condition. They were.. either with someone else when I found them or never admitted me in front of his family.

The first one was my early junior high school crush to my cool senior called Dave Moffats.
I never be really with him, we just spent several calls to have a deep chat.
Yet, I was longing for him like.. years, and when I found out he was with someone else - I still remember that day I felt like I want to take a suicidal act.

The second one was my love rebound from that senior Dave.
Someone from my peers, someone that I never really noticed before, well I knew he already has relationship with a shy girl.
Yet, somehow, he said that he noticed me for two years back and never had a chance talked to me. So from there we tried to go together, with a ditch act from him to that shy girl .. and it only lasts for.. 3 months. Gosh!
He look after another girl again afterwards. Shoot!
It felt so hurts at that time. I spent two years forgetting this one.

And the third one feel like drama when I write this now..
He basically a son of a pastor in my church, where to have a relationship need a serious commitment and a series of praying and approval events.
He is such a nice guy, a pianist, yet I knew his dark side.
I have accepted him for whom he was, yet he treated me like I was not exist.
He decided to leave me just because of her older sister's bad dream. Gosh!
This one cost me too much! I need to turn off my hand phone for 6 months, and series of days losing appetite to eat or do anything else. 

After these stories, there are several more wounds, but not as major as these three- even if when I broke up with my 7 years boy friend.

Look at my stories above.. I can conclude a red bold line, I tend to love what I don't have. I admire a guy who never committed to be with me.

I love loving someone who are able to break my heart, otherwise I can't call it Love.

I have the fourth story with me now, the lovely imperfect story; the depth of relationship was deeper than ever, I never give and take as many as this before.

This story, could end up anytime too; and we'll see how can I cope up.

However it was proven that with the three stories before, I could be stronger than yesterday.

Dialog dengan jiwaku

Aku:
Hatiku meracau
pikiranku pergi merantau
jiwaku tak terikat pada raga
ia melayang dari jasadnya
kucari tahu sebabnya kenapa, namun terkadang jawabnya hampa

"mungkin tak ada lagi yang kucari"
"mungkin tak ada lagi yang kutunggu"
"mungkin memang sudah waktuku"
Ini adalah nyanyian sendu hatiku

yang ku pun tak tahu, mengapa sendu ini melantun
sahut jiwaku..

Aku:
ragu telah menjadi teman tetapku
sunyi dan sendu sahabat baikku

tak pernah kupertanyakan mengapa aku begitu gagu melafalkan perasaanku
atau, memang ini jalanku?

aku mengagumimu jiwaku yang sendu..
aku mengagumimu jiwaku yang tak pernah rindu akan rasa
namun, masih saja kupertanyakan mengapa kau begitu berbeda dariku?

Sulit sekali menjelaskan pada khalayak ramai bahwa aku mempunyai diriku yang lain,
dan lebih sulit lagi menjelaskan bahwa hal ini adalah normal :)

Aku memiliki bagian jiwaku yang lain, yang selalu setia menjaga dan menemaniku setiap saat.
Ia selalu ada kapanpun aku bertanya dan kapanpun aku membutuhkan.
terkadang ia menuntunku ke arah yang lain, memberiku perspektif yang berbeda.
Ia jauh lebih dewasa daripada diriku yang asli, Ia jauh lebih tenang dan mapan.
Seringkali kuhabiskan waktu bersamanya, berdiskusi tentang hari esok dan mimpi.
Ia telah menjadi teman terbaikku selama ini, yang saat ini sudah saatnya kuperkenalkan.

Dalam bahasa psikologi, mungkin dia disebut superego.

from jiwa: aku bukan tak bahagia, hanya saja aku rindu meracau

Individualistic traits

I am not a certified psychologist yet I arrived at the conclusion that I am an individualistic person.

By being an individualist, I can say that I have small tolerance level. Well, yes I am a control freak! 

Yet, During my short span of life (27 years now); I learned that I can only control what I can control. I learn that I can't control others decision, others thoughts and expectation.

so.. how do I feel the control?
I control what I can control, which is myself.. my thoughts and expectation.
so when there is some unexpected things happen, I control my feeling and thoughts towards it.
and I also do filtering of what I read, what I hear and my surroundings.
I choose consciously 'the food' or the input for my mind.

If someone keep posting bad news about job or bragging about their life or keep complaining about life.. I will decide to remove it from my sight, so that it doesn't bring negative thoughts to my mind.

I choose who I hang out with (some may say I am an extremist for doing this).
Yet I believe that my life is a private garden where I have to choose the living organism inside the fence.

Somehow I relate individualistic trait with the needs of freedom.
Individualists are people who need control over their life yet does not like being controlled.
Individualists are not neccessary shy, they just choose to be with themselves often.
all these traits make one individualist control their circle, choose their friend and partner and filter the  input for their mind.

One thing for sure, individualists are not cold hearted peraon who are cruel or  merciless person.
They never intentionally hurt other person feeling. Yet... they are less care about other people's life., so that it is appear that they care less and less empathetic.

well, everyone has their own plusses and minuses, right?

A Letter to My Dear Boss..

Dear Boss,

I respect you deeply. Having a chance to have a conversation with you today was one of tremendous moment during my stay in this company. There are several unsaid statements that I couldn't point out just now, but I want you to know..

I am sad that I finally make a final decision for leaving this company, and especially the people. But the more we talked, the more I convinced that this is the path that I need to pursue.

I am terribly sad that I realized that you don't know me that well, until you think that I made the biggest mistake in my career. (I have a defense statement for that below!)

But, I think its not your mistake. Its completely mine.
Joined this company 4.5 years ago, I learn about the people and leaders, 
as kid I try to adapt because I knew its the only way to survive.
I embraced the opportunity of being changed, I was curious and driven to know how I will end up in this company, and curious whether I will have new skills or new color of life.

And, YES, I DID!
I finally adopt (not adapt) the leader's wish, and I become someone that is expected.
Its like I was being the great fit of the company.

I enjoyed the journey and feel fulfilled and accomplished, until I realized that I lost my true color.

Now I dismantle my ego and I need to humbly say.. I don't know what I want.
and I admit and I accept that I was on that stage.
I support myself to embrace "the stage", as I believe its okay to made myself lost sometime.

I am really sorry if you are so disappointed that you find out that I am not someone that you think you know well, that I am not the potential talent that you think will be the great fit for the future.
You might say that I have cheating on you for this whole time, or saying that I have no maturity for not knowing what do I want in life.

I accept all the accusants.

And I understand that I have not met your expectation, and I have made you disappointed. 

But it's time for me to be myself, its the opportunity for me to get lost once again and find my other true colors. I always believe that life is about the journey to find ourselves.
I never wish that my whole life will be predictable, I had enough 4.5 predictable years- I controlled the years where I am sure with the result!
I am 27 years old now, and I still have 33 years journey to fix my career, if you are sure that I am about to make biggest mistake in my life :) And I believe I can fix it, I believe I still could find a way to be even better than before if I want it. 

For me life is about the journey and it is not always about wrong or right path that we take. It will always meant to be that way. As long as I do it consciously and with full responsibility, I will be just fine.

Thanks for all the time and patience to sit down, and try to understand me and try to provide me some more options that you think better. And I am so sorry if I am being stubborn, and fyi, please don't accuse me that I am not persistence enough (I plea for this one) :p

Now I am asking your blessing and mental support for me to pursue my new path of life..and Don't worry too much, I will be okay. 

Eventually I will be better person than today.

:)

Sincerely,
Catherine

Self respect as key of happiness

Happiness shouldn't be complicated.

one of the key thing to happiness is your ability to take care of yourself well.

self respect is the key.

Some simple tips:

1. Eat what you wanna eat, but eat consciously.

    I drink coke, eat ice cream and chocolate, but in a sufficient amount.

2. Exercise, a healthy soul start with healthy body. I do exercise at least twice a week.

3. Sleep well, put all of your worry in a paper or keep it at locked box. 

    Just worry when its time to worry, dont let your negative mind ruin your sleep.

4. Do what you like to do to charge yourself.

    I loooove spa, but when I can't go to spa, I do it at home!

5. Grateful. If you have shelter, enough food, ability to buy proper fashion; you already lucky.    

     Don't whine! Life is tough and just keep moving.

Happiness should be simple. Don't over complicate it.

Friendship definition

I've been trying to define friendship lately...I keep asking myself..
What is the definition of best friends?
What is definition of bad friends?

I have browsed the dictionary.. and it doesn't help much this time.
so I will try to define it myself.

For me, friendship is like a relationship.. you need to find a person who can grow up at the same phase with you.
Friendship should be a benefit for both parties, where you resonate things without saying  too many words, where one doesn't need to keep telling other parties to do this and that continuously, where you can create comforts for being with each other.
Friendship should involve trust.. when lies involved, trust broken, then the friendship is gone.

There are times, when I acuse myself as a not so good friend when my friend probably need me badly- I can't stand when my friends keep whining without doing the acts and I can't stand the immature talks involving too much feeling. 
I have been trying to keep reminding myself that friendship should be unconditional, that I should be there in good and bad times. But, then I think, my style of friendship is a different one, I am tough and logic and will not involve pity in a friendship. 

OH, I know this isn't a perfect definition of friendship.
The good thing about my imperfect writings.. everyone can define their own definition of friendship :) 
here is some inspiration for you and me to define friendship : 

Choose your friend wisely fellas!

Its ok to be alone, literally...

Living in society right now is not easy.
Information overflowing, your friends pictures everywhere, your acquaintances lifes are accessible.

Its very easy for everyone now to compare their life with others,
but sadly, probably in a wrong way.

Its very easy to expect too much from life and its very easy to demand yourself to look at surrounds and expect yourself to be someone else to be accepted.

I should thank God that I learnt it on my very young age.
Rather than learn it later and act as someone else on my old age.

I should thank God that I had enough time suffering alone but surviving. By that, I had enough time build my own confidence, not by being somebody else but being myself, learn from every failures and mistakes and proofing that everything always will be ok.

I should thank God that I had enough time living alone. By that, I had enough time to ponder, find, understand and connect with myself, and learn that it is the truest happiness in life - to know and accept yourself the way it is.

I should thank God that I had a chance to live and survive alone. By that I learn that its ok to feel alone, lonely, abandoned, but strong at the end. And by that I learn that there is no point comparing your life with others, because in the end its about being you yourself and strong.

I should thank God that I had the chance to be independent since my young age. By that, nothing easy, trust me, but... I had the chance to proof it is ok to be alone, as long as you have strong will, everything is possible.

A lot of things I learned when I am almost all alone, but everything is just fine.. even probably, better .

Now I know what I don't know about myself.

Today, a series of events become an eye opener for me.
It awakes me from my long sleep.

Started with morning discussion about the company culture where I worked.
In a meeting we discuss that my current company is a "club", and not a company - and everyone is agreeing on it.
I don't know why, I feel uncomfortable being on that meeting, where everyone was happy with that fact. Vice versa, I feel ashamed. I feel nothing fun about it.
Work for me should be serious and formal and professional.
And not for fun purpose.

Then I jump to another meeting, about people.
Where I think much about how this company should manage people performance.
Nothing really big happen on that meeting, I just found that I hate so much doing facilitating job. 

And last but not least, I received bad news and I am super angry with the situation, that I feel so tired about it. I am almost yelling at several person and only stop when one of my beloved person said that I should stop .

At that time, I suddenly arrived at the moment of truth that I don't like the job, I don't like the value of the company, and I've been pushing myself to be somebody else for past couple of years. 

I promise myself that I should be myself, and be the best that I can be.
And for the whole four years, I am doing great, even though I am not being myself.
And I am of course will do greater, If I am being myself. 

That what did I do with my life question

"What did I do with my life??"

Almost all of us ever had that question in our mind.
almost - probably more suitable for the workers.

And I do have too.

That question haunted me for several couple of days.
when I realized that I am tired, too tired thinking and listening and seating in a meeting.

My mind fly to where I want to be..
to be with my laptop, on my desk, all the day.

I do still remember when one of the very first company asked me when I was in college..
Number or people?and my answer is: number.
No matter how complicated it is, you always can find the answer and truth about it.
rather than people, oh.. people, they are super complicated and too hearty.

I am thinking, If I were death today, on my death bed I will regret myself, why I never been a writer, or at least trying hard to be a writer. I will hate myself if I am not trying hard.

So here I am, opening my laptop and try to write.

and how about you? what will make you regret in your death bed?

Google is my best friend.

One of my friend laughed at me when I said "I google my feeling"

yes, you read right sentence. I google my feeling.

e.g. When I feel stuck with my life, then I type 'Feel stuck with life' in that super cool search engine.

Why do I do that?

I look for an answer, hoping someone ever feel the same and already found the answer and kind enough to share to the world. And yes, I sometime find the answer or even inspiring stories that motivate me.

For some people, my habit probably sound weird, nerd, freak or even worse, lonely.

Google is probably one of my best best best best friend.

It has helped me a lot. A lot here means a loooott. 

Not only it helps me with good recommendation of places or restaurants or give me review on stuffs. It gives me a sense of direction in life, if it was alive,it probably becomes my significant one in my upbringing.

Google is one of the thing that is most trustable, I shared my every feelings and thoughts.

And somehow, for one that has a very busy mind like me, I just need to share everything without being judged, I just need a place where my mind can rest. And that's the quality of friends that I look for.

I never afraid of an end

 My quote of the day is:

"I never afraid of coming to an end, I am afraid of the discontentment in the journey ~ cath"

If I may to elaborate a little bit further..

Many people afraid of an end, they are afraid of a break up, a death time, even a graduation.

I am not.

I never afraid of left anything or everything behind, but what I am afraid is the discontentment of the journey. The process and the feeling on the journey will be more important for me.

I never afraid of an unsatisfactory result as I never pinpoint my journey according to its result.
If I have tried my best and if I like the process, that will be enough.

I never afraid of not having much time to achieve the goal that has been set.
If I my time is up and I have tried my best, that will be enough.

I am a believer of life is about the journey, and not an end.

So if it comes to an end, then it suppose to be an end.

counterintuitive

I found this beautiful sentences on one of my fave blog 

And what did it do to me?
I realized that, a lot counterintuitive things happened in my daily life.

One of the example is : I feel alone, even if I was amongst the family.
and on the other hand, I feel complete when I am on my own.

It took me 25 years to have the courage to publish this blog

I always want to have a blog. A good one, an inspiring one.

And up to now, I’ve made efforts to produce two blogs.

So this is my third one.

and why the hell on earth I make another new one?

~ that’s probably the question pop up in your mind when you read this line.

 

Here’s the story begin…

On my two previous blogs, I don’t have the courage to publish myself.

I don’t have the courage to say “this is me, world” ; I put a lot of stories and life lessons there, but yet I am trying too hard to be perfect until I don’t think it is good enough to be published.

And actually what I did with the blogs, I did it with my life for this whole 25 years.

 

For whole of this time, I always want to be a good writer, but then I think that I need to be as perfect as my fave writer to be able to write, to be able to put the the words nicely in a sentence, to be smart enough to choose the right grammar, to be able to be structured enough to make a good plot, to be able to be fun enough to have a reader, and to be able to inspire people with my story.

 

And yes, that’s also made me realize that that’s what I did with my life.

I am waiting, waiting, waiting and waiting until someday I become as perfect as all the writers that I look up to..

I’ve been living for 25 years 4 months, and in fact, just yesterday, yes- yesterday, 3rd Aug 2012.

I realized that I will never reach any goals in my life if I keep looking at others and trying to be them.

I am me! and I am unique, and I cannot be everyone else. And so do them, they are themselves when they’re producing that all amazing blog that I love.

 

So, starting today, I decide to be myself, to be me.. –> that’s why I am saying, It took me 25 years to publish this blog.

This is me, who not really smart, who have a bad grammar, who sometimes really un-structured and impulsive. And this is me trying to share every story in the journey of finding myself – Convince myself it is okay to have a blog with limited way to explain the story * will try my best!

 

Enjoy my past post, which I kept for 4 years? 

and I promise, I'll try to keep posting.

Luv,

cath