Cerita Cinta Kemarin Sore- Stroberi vs Coklat

Stroberi – Merah menggoda, terlihat manis, menyimpan seribu rahasia dengannya; stroberi bisa terlihat manis di luar, namun dari gigitan pertama kamu akan menyadari bahwa merah itu dandanan belaka untuk menutup seribu cerita masam, seribu cerita pahit, dan belum lagi sesuatu yang beracun. Jadi berhati-hatilah dengan stroberi.

That’s one of my writings in 2002 or 2003.

Adalah 3 orang sahabat (Dari sekumpulan besar sahabat tentunya-). Eve, Chris, and myself.

3 orang sahabat ini saling mengenal sejak masih duduk di bangku SMP. Eve dan aku satu tingkat, Chris lebih tua satu tahun.

Eve dan Chris sudah menjalin hubungan semenjak aku kelas 2 SMP.. dan aku baru mengenal mereka secara dekat kelas 3 SMP akhir. Pertemanan itu berjalan lancar, mulus sebagaimana pertemanan masa remaja.

Aku yang duduk di kelas 3 SMP, pendiam, agak pemalu dan rendah diri namun dinilai lebih dewasa dari teman2 sebaya (bagi temanku yang tahu siapa aku sebenarnya). Beberapa teman datang untuk bercerita, meminta pendapat.

Begitu pula dengan Eve dan Chris, layaknya yang lain, mereka menceritakan apapun tentang permasalahan hubungan mereka padaku. Aku sering menjadi penengah dari perselisihan-perselisihan kecil mereka, ataupun menjadi mediator dari pertengkaran-pertengkaran besar mereka.

Selayaknya anak gadis umur 3 SMP, aku pun jatuh cinta, dan bertukar cerita dengan kedua sahabat dekatku. Cerita cinta yang kubawa dari kelas 3 SMP itu berlangsung sekitar hampir 2 tahun – sebenarnya itu cerita cinta yang kandas di tengah jalan, sang pria lupa, sang gadis masih merindu dan bertanya kenapa. (This is another story, ignore it)

Well, naik ke bangku SMA, akhirnya Eve dan Chris memutuskan untuk berpisah. Putus hubungan. Aku menganggap itu biasa, setelah mereka putus sambung ratusan kali. Eve meraung sedih, namun gengsi untuk meminta kembali. Ia berusaha (sok) tegar layaknya wanita yang mempertahankan harga dirinya. Namun aku ingat, dia bercerita padaku betapa dia sakit, perih dan ingin kembali.

Chris, sebagai kakak kelas kami, dia menjauh, pergi bergaul dengan teman2nya seangkatan. Meski demikian, aku, sang mediator, masih berusaha sok bijak dan sok dewasa – membujuk Chris kembali pada Eve.

Pembicaraan-pembicaraan itu menjadi topik regular kami. Eve bercerita padaku, aku bercerita pada Chris. Dan akhirnya Chris bercerita padaku bagaimana ia kecewa dengan sifat kekanakkan Eve. Di tengah teman-temanku tersayang, aku berusaha menjadi simpul antara tali percintaan yang terputus.

Situasi itu berlangsung cukup lama. Aku tak bisa ingat berapa lama pastinya. Sampai akhirnya, Eve putus asa tak menemukan titik temu. Dan aku pun lelah menjadi penyambung.

Tak tahu bagaimana, aku yang masih remaja ini juga, butuh telinga yang mendengar, dan entah kenapa aku bercerita pada Chris tentang diriku sendiri yang patah hati dan hancur menunggu seorang pria yang lupa (refer to paragraph 7).

Hari-hari berjalan biasa. Sampai suatu hari di satu tahun kemudian. Ketika aku sedang bercerita tentang perihnya patah hatiku, entah kenapa akhirnya Chris mengungkap alasan sebenarnya mengapa dia memilih putus dengan Eve. Dia menyebut namaku sebagai alasannya. Aku diam, tak bergeming, tak mengerti.

Masih ingat, malam itu aku linglung. Berasa perih dan bersalah atas kandasnya hubungan 2 sahabat baikku.

Bodohnya aku, keesokan harinya, aku tak mampu menyimpan perih itu sendirian. Eve yang dekat denganku merasa ada yang salah denganku hari itu. Dia mendesakku untuk bercerita, sampai hari kesekian, aku akhirnya menyerah, aku pun menceritakan percakapan anehku dengan Chris.

Entah bagaimana, Eve yang masih mencinta sebelah pihak itu, merasa menemukan aku sebagai objek empuk kemarahannya. Dia menyalahkanku atas semua ketidakbahagiannya dan ketidakberdayaannya selama ini.

Dan aku yang masih naïf, entah kenapa juga merasa sebegitu bersalahnya.

Di satu sisi, Chris, yang sudah lebih dewasa, mengingatkanku bahwa Eve hanya marah karena ia sebenarnya tidak mampu menerima kenyataan, dan ia pun mengingatkanku dengan keras bahwa hati tak bisa ditahan. Hati tak bisa berbohong, karena ia selalu menemukan jalannya sendiri menemukan seseorang untuk dicinta. Dia berusaha menjelaskan padaku bahwa, dia tidak pernah berencana untuk jatuh hati padaku. Namun, aku pun berubah pahit. Pura-pura tidak mengerti apa maksud semua itu.

Bagiku yang tidak banyak teman ini, mempunyai seorang sahabat seperti Eve adalah anugrah. Dan aku tidak mungkin menyambut cinta dari seorang sahabat yang kuanggap seperti kakak sendiri, yang kemudian hari aku sangat tahu bahwa aku juga hanya menyangkal diri sendiri.

Hari-hari kelabu itu datang, Eve yang selalu menjauh, Chris yang selalu merayu.

Susah payah aku menjelaskan kepada dua pihak. Pada Eve dan Chris aku menjelaskan bahwa aku tidak mungkin mengkhianati persahabatan. Namun, lagi-lagi tidak ada yang mendengar.

Status Quo itu terjadi selama 9 bulan, Eve selalu membuang muka dengan kejam. Aku ingat suatu malam ketika dia menemukan aku dan Chris sedang mengobrol di belakang panggung pensi sekolah kami. Dia datang dan memecahkan satu gelas kaca di depanku, tanda peperangan sejati yang ingin dia mulai.

Sebagai gadis remaja biasa, aku lelah berlari dan ingin menjadi diriku sendiri. Aku akhirnya mulai membuka hati untuk Chris – tanpa setahu dirinya.

Selama itu pulalah, aku bermain sebagai stroberi. Seseorang yang pura-pura bermain cantik, pura-pura tegar, namun sebenarnya, di dalam aku mulai membusuk dan mengerang. Aku tahu, hatiku mulai beralih pada Chris, namun aku berusaha menolak keinginan hati sendiri – Bagi mereka yang sudah pernah berusaha menahan rasa cinta, mereka akan tahu sulitnya seperti apa.

Hari, minggu dan bulan berlalu. Aku tetap tegar sebagai stroberi liar yang tumbuh di tengah hutan sendirian. Chris akhirnya pun menyerah. Dia berjanji menghargai keputusanku sebagai gadis yang beranjak dewasa.

Kepergian Chris dari hidupku terasa pahit. Aku berharap, dia kembali mengetuk pintu hatiku, seperti yang dulu dia lakukan. Namun terlambat, dia sudah pergi. Aku pun tak sempat mencicipi dirinya yang semanis coklat.

Ketika kami bertemu lagi di satu hari di tahun lain. Kami mendiskusikan hal ini, melihat ke belakang dan tertawa. Mengingat permainan hide and seek bodoh yang kami lakukan. Padahal, stroberi dan coklat bisa jadi paduan yang sangat ciamik…

Simple Happiness: I give myself a holiday on Sunday morning

This morning, I woke up and thought this will be another ordinary Sunday. But then, I made a phone call to one of Balinese Spa across the street. I want to start this day, relax. They have a free slot at 10 am, then went there. The spa was good. Made me feel fresh and light.

Initially, I planned to go straight back home, so I went outside the spa, and surprisingly feel really happy found the sun shines brightly.

Suddenly, my feet led me to a café in the corner of the street, I forget the plan to went back home soon. Within seconds, I sit there and ordered the only one breakfast menu that they had. Sunny side egg with toasted bread.

Then, two slices of bread came, followed by one glass of orange juice and a cup of hot tea. “Wow, this is a big breakfast!” I thought. Seemed that it wasn’t enough, another plate of sunny side egg with hash brown potato and sausages came.

“Well, this is Sunday, lets have a BIG happy breakfast” I told myself.

I didn’t know where the idea came from, suddenly an idea popped up “Let’s act as a tourist this morning, I deserve holiday” . Then, I put my sunglasses on, formalized my crazy sudden idea to act as a tourist.

I sit there around an hour, enjoying my breakfast while watching people come and go crossing the street, open a map or just stop taking pictures. There are people with many nationalities: Korean, Japanese, Malaysian, Western, Middle Eastern. “They are on holiday…” I thought. “Mmm..wait..Today?? What date is it? How can they easily pick up their holiday date?”

I keep watching them while finishing my breakfast. Their faces portray excitement, happiness. My brain couldn’t stop thinking “Why are they so excited and happy?”

During that time, I realized something. We are human often fail appreciating what we have. We forget to be grateful for a little small things surround us.

I live there, 100 meters from one of tourism spot in Singapore, I often go there to have a fast breakfast, or dinner. First time I went there, I am so excited, but the feeling is disappeared after the third visit. When things are taking their ordinary course, it’s so easy to take everyday life for granted.

Don’t you think it is funny? Human often wait for something BIG happened in their life to be happy. We wait to see new things to be excited, and pathetically, we fail appreciating the surrounds beauty.

We think that we’ll be happy once we arrive at some destinations. But often, arriving doesn’t make us as happy as well, we keep raising the bar, we keep stacking our expectation. It’s important not to expect too much happiness at the destination, but the journey as well. Appreciating the journey, the little things and surround is really important.

Today, I remind myself to be grateful for what I have. For the family, and lovely friends that I have.

Today, I remind myself to be grateful for all the processes happening in my life, it doesn’t always be a bright sunny day, but I will learn to be thankful and put faith on life.

Today, I remind myself to be grateful for all of my surroundings, beautiful city – I call it “City of lights”.

And today, I give myself a sweet holiday. I don’t need to be a tourist somewhere to be happy, being here in the middle of the crowd, I will be as happy as those tourists 

Real vs Unreal

So, who could tell me what is real and what is unreal?

I was spending two days – 48 hours with him, in fact I have spent 1 year and 4 months loving him.

When I took him to airport this morning, I was questioning, what is real between us?

Is it worth to spend time loving him, and yet, I doubt what is the result of this kind of “very complicated” relationship?

What is the most important factor of Real?

Is this relationship actually happening or not? Is this result of the reality, or just my wishful thinking?

These questions trigger me to think more and more about this relationship.

Well, let me elaborate what was happening between me and him.

So.. we are together, mm not we aren’t.. he does with someone else..

We are falling in love for each other, mmm not quite sure. 

I can assure that i am falling in love with him, but not quite sure vice versa..

We are meeting each other. Yes, we are regularly meet each other.

We are taking care of each other. mmm, sort of..

So can we categorize this as relationship?

real one? or unreal one?

Its laugh and love and everything in between

In between love and laugh..

there are tears

there are pains

there are struggles, insecurities, vulnerabilities..

there are scars and panic attacks.

its not always butterfly and rainbow.

but it is my way to get the laugh and love with you.

the journey that is really worth to have.

If its not like the movies, I won't take it

I always believe on below lyric…

When you find the right one, it should feel like the movies, cinematic and dramatic..

When you find the right one, it is so beautiful that it feels unreal

 

He put it on me, I put it on

Like there was nothin’ wrong

It didn’t fit, it wasn’t right
Wasn’t just the size

They say you know when you know
I don’t know

I didn’t feel
The fairy tale feeling, no
Am I a stupid girl
For even dreaming that I could?

If it’s not like the movies
That’s how it should be
When he’s the one, I’ll come undone
And my world will stop spinning

And that’s just the beginning

Snow White said when I was young
One day, my prince will come so I’ll wait for that date
They say it’s hard to meet your match
Gotta find my better half so we make perfect shapes

If stars don’t align, if it doesn’t stop time
If you can’t see the sign, wait for it
One-hundred percent, worth every penny you spend
He’ll be the one that finishes your sentences

If it’s not like the movies
That’s how it should be, yeah
When he’s the one, I’ll come undone
And my world will stop spinning

And that’s just the beginning

‘Cause I know you’re out there
And you’re, you’re lookin’ for me
It’s a crazy idea that
You were made perfectly for me, you see

Just like the movies
That’s how it will be
Cinematic and dramatic
With the perfect ending

It’s not like the movies
But that’s how it should be
When he’s the one, you’ll come undone
And your world will stop spinning

And it’s just the beginning

Questioning-edited.

There are a lot of things that you could doubt about yourself..

You doubt your self ability,
You doubt your decision making process,
You doubt your choice..
And probably, you doubt your sanity..

Today, over a cup of hot hazelnut latte I am questioning myself..I doubt every single logic decision that I’ve made.

The question is:
Why I choose one particular guy over hundreds guy that I could be with..?

Tried so many hundreds time to make a “why” list..and now, I’ll try once again to make the list..just to make sure that I have enough reasons to choose him as the owner of my heart.. and here it comes the reasons:

1. Because I respect him
2. Because everytime I look at him, I just know that he is the one
3. Because he is the one I am look up to.. Fyi, I am super independent stubborn girl who rarely look up to someone..
4. Because he is acting super cool everytime, have an enormous high confidence that every girl in town will be down to their knee to get him (rr… I am a bit exaggerating here)
5. Because he is playing hard to get, yet care enough about me
6. Because he is brave enough to take the risks just to be with me? --> Make me feel worth enough?
7. Because, basically, he is the one with huge testosterone which make him looks enormously sexy! He is the most manly man I ever met.. Yet he is detail and super neat. A very good blend of a guy which every woman dreaming.. (Am I exaggerating again? No! )
8. Because he smells good (let’s go to the physical part); tall and big, good looking enough – great second look, have a deep eyes, have a very good taste on cars, watch, and electronics!
9. Because he is the man!

Seems the reasons are good enough eh? yet, he does living with someone else.

Heart never lies rite? It always guide you to the right one. Does it?

Today, over that cup of hazelnut latte, I am questioning, whether my feeling is real, or am I dating and falling in love with my own brain..? Or I just simply trapped in my own illusion of falling in love..?
PS: this isn’t black or white story.. being grey is part of life..