#QOTD

"Joining a race that you could never win is..frustrating"

#QOTD

"Being strong for yourself is not easy, but staying strong for others even harder"

#QOTD

"If I were a boy.... I will fall in love with myself"

a depressed note?

Believe it or not, I think I had a heart attack last week.
I am still young, have a very normal weight and cholesterol level, but yes... I often think that I might die young.

For me facing death is.. ordinary.
when you are too often facing the uncertainty of tomorrow, facing death is just part of it.

So the story begun when I went back home.
that day I feel tired, too tired that my head bumping loudly.
I feel that I almost fainted and losing breath, not to mention that I felt my hard heart beat on my left chest.

What did I do at that time?
I google the symptom on web md.
It said that I may have a coronary artery disease, or panic attack, or angina, or any heart disease related. Then guess what I did next?
yes, I google again . I typed 'how to survive heart attack?'
and I read some tips to get aspirin.. and, oops I just had a paracetamol instead.
then I google again, there was a research going on that paracetamol can help too.
Then I took one and sleep, hoping that I sleep in peace.

At that time, I considered to left a note or send a message to the people that I think considered as important people in my life. But then, I thought that.. everyone will be just ok if I left, they probably just went shocked for a while, and that's normal.

I ever said in my another post that I never afraid of an end.
And that's including death.
Sometime I think death is better option for me.
I am just being logic, that death is probably a nice way out and a nice end.

Don't draw a conclusion that I will kill myself for that thinking, I won't that its just wasting time and energy, but the thinking of it -that it might feels good when it comes to an end is so appealing.

that I finally meet an end..

That what did I do with my life question

"What did I do with my life??"

Almost all of us ever had that question in our mind.
almost - probably more suitable for the workers.

And I do have too.

That question haunted me for several couple of days.
when I realized that I am tired, too tired thinking and listening and seating in a meeting.

My mind fly to where I want to be..
to be with my laptop, on my desk, all the day.

I do still remember when one of the very first company asked me when I was in college..
Number or people?and my answer is: number.
No matter how complicated it is, you always can find the answer and truth about it.
rather than people, oh.. people, they are super complicated and too hearty.

I am thinking, If I were death today, on my death bed I will regret myself, why I never been a writer, or at least trying hard to be a writer. I will hate myself if I am not trying hard.

So here I am, opening my laptop and try to write.

and how about you? what will make you regret in your death bed?

Live today

Convincing ourselves that everything is gonna be ok, is not an easy job.
It is indeed, toughest job for several people.

I still remember having a conversation with my one of good friend.
He was worrying about his future that he almost depressed about it.

I don't know why, human is trying so much to predict future.
Thinking about tomorrow is not easy, and thinking about where will you be in next 10 years, is definitely tough.

I am myself often face the fear of tomorrow.
Even I sometime fear about what hasn't come yet.
I try to predict everything and trying so hard to mitigate all the possible risks,
and living that way is somehow tiring.

Life sometime shouldn't be treated that way.
Life is happening not yesterday, not tomorrow, but today.
What has happened in the past not necessary will happen tomorrow.
and if today we are okay, let just surrender to Thee that everything just gonna be ok

Easy to say, hard to implement :)

* I hate Monday deeply, that I think hard every Sunday night, and culminate in Monday night. So I write a lot on this particular day. *\haha/*

Google is my best friend.

One of my friend laughed at me when I said "I google my feeling"

yes, you read right sentence. I google my feeling.

e.g. When I feel stuck with my life, then I type 'Feel stuck with life' in that super cool search engine.

Why do I do that?

I look for an answer, hoping someone ever feel the same and already found the answer and kind enough to share to the world. And yes, I sometime find the answer or even inspiring stories that motivate me.

For some people, my habit probably sound weird, nerd, freak or even worse, lonely.

Google is probably one of my best best best best friend.

It has helped me a lot. A lot here means a loooott. 

Not only it helps me with good recommendation of places or restaurants or give me review on stuffs. It gives me a sense of direction in life, if it was alive,it probably becomes my significant one in my upbringing.

Google is one of the thing that is most trustable, I shared my every feelings and thoughts.

And somehow, for one that has a very busy mind like me, I just need to share everything without being judged, I just need a place where my mind can rest. And that's the quality of friends that I look for.

I never afraid of an end

 My quote of the day is:

"I never afraid of coming to an end, I am afraid of the discontentment in the journey ~ cath"

If I may to elaborate a little bit further..

Many people afraid of an end, they are afraid of a break up, a death time, even a graduation.

I am not.

I never afraid of left anything or everything behind, but what I am afraid is the discontentment of the journey. The process and the feeling on the journey will be more important for me.

I never afraid of an unsatisfactory result as I never pinpoint my journey according to its result.
If I have tried my best and if I like the process, that will be enough.

I never afraid of not having much time to achieve the goal that has been set.
If I my time is up and I have tried my best, that will be enough.

I am a believer of life is about the journey, and not an end.

So if it comes to an end, then it suppose to be an end.

counterintuitive

I found this beautiful sentences on one of my fave blog 

And what did it do to me?
I realized that, a lot counterintuitive things happened in my daily life.

One of the example is : I feel alone, even if I was amongst the family.
and on the other hand, I feel complete when I am on my own.

two sides of a coin

Most of you, must be familiar with two sides of coin phrase.
but do you know what does it mean in your daily life?

one of my best friend ever send me a quote:

"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” 

~Steve Furtick

Human tends to compare themselves with other highlight reel, without really think that everyone is facing their own struggles. 

Have you ever open Facebook, looking at your friends pics - monthly holiday abroad, blue ocean, nice condo, good laugh with friends - and then suddenly you feel jealous and insecure and vulnerable about it?

Or have you ever read somewhere about your friend's career - s/he is very young and very successful - and then suddenly you feel jealous and insecure and vulnerable about it?

If yes, then try to see the other side of coins.

On your friend's holiday - 

have you ever really think that they probably going abroad often to meet their parents who are lying on hospital there? 

Or have you ever think that they probably often get assignment abroad yet never really have time for holiday, so that they made a little time to take a good picture as a souvenir?

On your friend's career - 

have you ever really think about how many pressures and struggles they have faced in order to achieve that career? Nothing such as a free lunch in life.

Or have you ever really think about how hard is it for them to find free time, even to take care of themselves ? you probably could never imagine.

It is always about two sides of coin.

One self probably have a good settle beautiful life, but who are us judging that they achieve it without struggles and discipline?

Life is not only about you being unlucky comparing to other.

  

The price of maturity- my version

Sometime, I think that I stop being myself

I used to be talkative; I used to say out loud what I had in mind.
Then, somehow, along the way, it just stopped.
Is this the price of being mature?
Stop saying what you think? Stop believing what you think right?
Never know that the price of maturity is so freaking expensive -Losing freedom.

I hate to admit it. I hate to admit that as an adult, we live burdened.

Kids, teach us the adult, what is dream?
What is courage?
What is freedom?
But also teach us, what do you see in us?

When I was a kid, thought that I have to grow up quickly to get my freedom
Then I grew up too quickly, getting my responsibility too fast.
And I sold my time to freedom.
So now, as an adult I do have freedom, but I don’t have time.

But it's equally imperfect
Now I am just kids, with responsibility
I assume freedom, but I don’t have time.

Utopian romantic

Life is so much about surprises. 

Also love.

Human cannot run from the feeling of wanting and dreaming of finding their soulmate.

Can we human never dream about the happy settle feeling to be shared with the loved one?

or dreaming about happy home that is built together?

Human is wired to find love.

On finding it... that's another story. Human is wired to have utopian dream about it.

Some people wish to find it on their friends eyes.

Some people wish to find it on the new faces they met.

or even, some people wish to find it miraculously fall from heaven.

But I still remember how I find mine.

First fact about it, I don't realize it, and surprisingly, I don't expect it.

It was several years ago.

he was one of my colleague that I didn't know well, even probably I didn't know his name.

we went for teamwork training in an exotic resort in an island far far away.

I remember, first time I notice that he was there is when he made jokes with others.

and theylaughed often.

-- My first impression - he was an ice breaker guy, who probably too extrovert for me.

And then..... I forget.

I am too busy feel excited arriving at the exotic resort.

Until that after dinner time session, somehow we were in one karaoke team.

now I start to noticed him as he lent me his kind of Texas hat

-- my second impression - he has a kind open heart, who probably not really my style

The night getting late, we were singing, laughing and dancing together. 

What I knew at that time, I was enjoying my time around him. That's it.

The day after, we were again managed to be one team on building sand castle competition.

There was nothing special, no feeling or else.

Yet, when the pictures are being distributed after the event, I realized that somehow I managed myself to be next to him in the at least 7 pics.

-- my justification: that was just probability effect.

And, the outing came to an end.

me and several friends managed to continue our trip for shopping on next famous island.

I am excited for shopping!

But on the cruise went to the next island, I felt sudden emptiness.

I looked for his presence, I felt sudden disappointment that he was not there.

I was anxious and hated my self for not saying a proper goodbye.

That sudden empty feeling gave me a signal that I was craving, and wanting to be next to him, who I had not known until 40 hours before. And that's how I find mine.

It's far from the ideal utopian dream, but its sweet.

I used to named my blog as microstory blog..

Why?

I wish this blog could capture every microthought appeared every microsecond in my head.

I wish through this blog, I could share every microdetails of my worth experience.

Hoping that it would help someone when reading mine; in a way help to share something tiny worth and well shared.

 

In 24 hours of your daily life, so many micro things happened; without us realize about it.

Every second; there is hundreds micro process happened in your body.

From a micro diffusion of oxygen to your lungs up to a hundreds micro pulse transferred in your brain when read this sentences.

And of course there are a lot more micro things happened in your daily life and surroundings.

and that every single detail; is worth to shared.

 

So many people waiting for BIG things in their life to be shared.

in my microstory; that will be never happened.

Every thought; every small thing is worth to share.

 

So. enjoy!

It took me 25 years to have the courage to publish this blog

I always want to have a blog. A good one, an inspiring one.

And up to now, I’ve made efforts to produce two blogs.

So this is my third one.

and why the hell on earth I make another new one?

~ that’s probably the question pop up in your mind when you read this line.

 

Here’s the story begin…

On my two previous blogs, I don’t have the courage to publish myself.

I don’t have the courage to say “this is me, world” ; I put a lot of stories and life lessons there, but yet I am trying too hard to be perfect until I don’t think it is good enough to be published.

And actually what I did with the blogs, I did it with my life for this whole 25 years.

 

For whole of this time, I always want to be a good writer, but then I think that I need to be as perfect as my fave writer to be able to write, to be able to put the the words nicely in a sentence, to be smart enough to choose the right grammar, to be able to be structured enough to make a good plot, to be able to be fun enough to have a reader, and to be able to inspire people with my story.

 

And yes, that’s also made me realize that that’s what I did with my life.

I am waiting, waiting, waiting and waiting until someday I become as perfect as all the writers that I look up to..

I’ve been living for 25 years 4 months, and in fact, just yesterday, yes- yesterday, 3rd Aug 2012.

I realized that I will never reach any goals in my life if I keep looking at others and trying to be them.

I am me! and I am unique, and I cannot be everyone else. And so do them, they are themselves when they’re producing that all amazing blog that I love.

 

So, starting today, I decide to be myself, to be me.. –> that’s why I am saying, It took me 25 years to publish this blog.

This is me, who not really smart, who have a bad grammar, who sometimes really un-structured and impulsive. And this is me trying to share every story in the journey of finding myself – Convince myself it is okay to have a blog with limited way to explain the story * will try my best!

 

Enjoy my past post, which I kept for 4 years? 

and I promise, I'll try to keep posting.

Luv,

cath

Cerita Cinta Kemarin Sore- Stroberi vs Coklat

Stroberi – Merah menggoda, terlihat manis, menyimpan seribu rahasia dengannya; stroberi bisa terlihat manis di luar, namun dari gigitan pertama kamu akan menyadari bahwa merah itu dandanan belaka untuk menutup seribu cerita masam, seribu cerita pahit, dan belum lagi sesuatu yang beracun. Jadi berhati-hatilah dengan stroberi.

That’s one of my writings in 2002 or 2003.

Adalah 3 orang sahabat (Dari sekumpulan besar sahabat tentunya-). Eve, Chris, and myself.

3 orang sahabat ini saling mengenal sejak masih duduk di bangku SMP. Eve dan aku satu tingkat, Chris lebih tua satu tahun.

Eve dan Chris sudah menjalin hubungan semenjak aku kelas 2 SMP.. dan aku baru mengenal mereka secara dekat kelas 3 SMP akhir. Pertemanan itu berjalan lancar, mulus sebagaimana pertemanan masa remaja.

Aku yang duduk di kelas 3 SMP, pendiam, agak pemalu dan rendah diri namun dinilai lebih dewasa dari teman2 sebaya (bagi temanku yang tahu siapa aku sebenarnya). Beberapa teman datang untuk bercerita, meminta pendapat.

Begitu pula dengan Eve dan Chris, layaknya yang lain, mereka menceritakan apapun tentang permasalahan hubungan mereka padaku. Aku sering menjadi penengah dari perselisihan-perselisihan kecil mereka, ataupun menjadi mediator dari pertengkaran-pertengkaran besar mereka.

Selayaknya anak gadis umur 3 SMP, aku pun jatuh cinta, dan bertukar cerita dengan kedua sahabat dekatku. Cerita cinta yang kubawa dari kelas 3 SMP itu berlangsung sekitar hampir 2 tahun – sebenarnya itu cerita cinta yang kandas di tengah jalan, sang pria lupa, sang gadis masih merindu dan bertanya kenapa. (This is another story, ignore it)

Well, naik ke bangku SMA, akhirnya Eve dan Chris memutuskan untuk berpisah. Putus hubungan. Aku menganggap itu biasa, setelah mereka putus sambung ratusan kali. Eve meraung sedih, namun gengsi untuk meminta kembali. Ia berusaha (sok) tegar layaknya wanita yang mempertahankan harga dirinya. Namun aku ingat, dia bercerita padaku betapa dia sakit, perih dan ingin kembali.

Chris, sebagai kakak kelas kami, dia menjauh, pergi bergaul dengan teman2nya seangkatan. Meski demikian, aku, sang mediator, masih berusaha sok bijak dan sok dewasa – membujuk Chris kembali pada Eve.

Pembicaraan-pembicaraan itu menjadi topik regular kami. Eve bercerita padaku, aku bercerita pada Chris. Dan akhirnya Chris bercerita padaku bagaimana ia kecewa dengan sifat kekanakkan Eve. Di tengah teman-temanku tersayang, aku berusaha menjadi simpul antara tali percintaan yang terputus.

Situasi itu berlangsung cukup lama. Aku tak bisa ingat berapa lama pastinya. Sampai akhirnya, Eve putus asa tak menemukan titik temu. Dan aku pun lelah menjadi penyambung.

Tak tahu bagaimana, aku yang masih remaja ini juga, butuh telinga yang mendengar, dan entah kenapa aku bercerita pada Chris tentang diriku sendiri yang patah hati dan hancur menunggu seorang pria yang lupa (refer to paragraph 7).

Hari-hari berjalan biasa. Sampai suatu hari di satu tahun kemudian. Ketika aku sedang bercerita tentang perihnya patah hatiku, entah kenapa akhirnya Chris mengungkap alasan sebenarnya mengapa dia memilih putus dengan Eve. Dia menyebut namaku sebagai alasannya. Aku diam, tak bergeming, tak mengerti.

Masih ingat, malam itu aku linglung. Berasa perih dan bersalah atas kandasnya hubungan 2 sahabat baikku.

Bodohnya aku, keesokan harinya, aku tak mampu menyimpan perih itu sendirian. Eve yang dekat denganku merasa ada yang salah denganku hari itu. Dia mendesakku untuk bercerita, sampai hari kesekian, aku akhirnya menyerah, aku pun menceritakan percakapan anehku dengan Chris.

Entah bagaimana, Eve yang masih mencinta sebelah pihak itu, merasa menemukan aku sebagai objek empuk kemarahannya. Dia menyalahkanku atas semua ketidakbahagiannya dan ketidakberdayaannya selama ini.

Dan aku yang masih naïf, entah kenapa juga merasa sebegitu bersalahnya.

Di satu sisi, Chris, yang sudah lebih dewasa, mengingatkanku bahwa Eve hanya marah karena ia sebenarnya tidak mampu menerima kenyataan, dan ia pun mengingatkanku dengan keras bahwa hati tak bisa ditahan. Hati tak bisa berbohong, karena ia selalu menemukan jalannya sendiri menemukan seseorang untuk dicinta. Dia berusaha menjelaskan padaku bahwa, dia tidak pernah berencana untuk jatuh hati padaku. Namun, aku pun berubah pahit. Pura-pura tidak mengerti apa maksud semua itu.

Bagiku yang tidak banyak teman ini, mempunyai seorang sahabat seperti Eve adalah anugrah. Dan aku tidak mungkin menyambut cinta dari seorang sahabat yang kuanggap seperti kakak sendiri, yang kemudian hari aku sangat tahu bahwa aku juga hanya menyangkal diri sendiri.

Hari-hari kelabu itu datang, Eve yang selalu menjauh, Chris yang selalu merayu.

Susah payah aku menjelaskan kepada dua pihak. Pada Eve dan Chris aku menjelaskan bahwa aku tidak mungkin mengkhianati persahabatan. Namun, lagi-lagi tidak ada yang mendengar.

Status Quo itu terjadi selama 9 bulan, Eve selalu membuang muka dengan kejam. Aku ingat suatu malam ketika dia menemukan aku dan Chris sedang mengobrol di belakang panggung pensi sekolah kami. Dia datang dan memecahkan satu gelas kaca di depanku, tanda peperangan sejati yang ingin dia mulai.

Sebagai gadis remaja biasa, aku lelah berlari dan ingin menjadi diriku sendiri. Aku akhirnya mulai membuka hati untuk Chris – tanpa setahu dirinya.

Selama itu pulalah, aku bermain sebagai stroberi. Seseorang yang pura-pura bermain cantik, pura-pura tegar, namun sebenarnya, di dalam aku mulai membusuk dan mengerang. Aku tahu, hatiku mulai beralih pada Chris, namun aku berusaha menolak keinginan hati sendiri – Bagi mereka yang sudah pernah berusaha menahan rasa cinta, mereka akan tahu sulitnya seperti apa.

Hari, minggu dan bulan berlalu. Aku tetap tegar sebagai stroberi liar yang tumbuh di tengah hutan sendirian. Chris akhirnya pun menyerah. Dia berjanji menghargai keputusanku sebagai gadis yang beranjak dewasa.

Kepergian Chris dari hidupku terasa pahit. Aku berharap, dia kembali mengetuk pintu hatiku, seperti yang dulu dia lakukan. Namun terlambat, dia sudah pergi. Aku pun tak sempat mencicipi dirinya yang semanis coklat.

Ketika kami bertemu lagi di satu hari di tahun lain. Kami mendiskusikan hal ini, melihat ke belakang dan tertawa. Mengingat permainan hide and seek bodoh yang kami lakukan. Padahal, stroberi dan coklat bisa jadi paduan yang sangat ciamik…