Only your mind that can bring you happiness and unhappiness

My mind wanders off a lot lately.
Seems like it finds its own world and creating its own stories, which unfortunately affect my mood a lot. And if I had a Dumbledore's pensieve, here is a piece of my rambled mind. 

I don't feel good lately.
Starting from last christmas eve day.
I suddenly met a huge emptiness starting that day, I feel disappointed with myself who didn't arrange any special event on that day.

It supposed to be special, it supposed to be warm, it supposed to be relieving joy, it supposed to be... (My mind continue to build expectations)
But what I had on that day is.. an empty room, a have no idea "what did i have for dinner?" brain, an empty stomach and a hollow heart.

And I've tried to fixed it, yet, it didn't succeed.
and I tried it the next two days, where I met friends and try to put a beautiful fake smile..
and it didn't succeed.
I tried again today, where I bought my 3 nephew and nieces christmas gifts.
and it didn't succeed.

My mind unrested and was looking for the answer why a logic creature like me can be "not so in shape". Then from thousand of memories in my brain, I remember that about two weeks ago, I read an article about a single writer and traveller who actually feel empty and scared being alone, yet she tried to show to the world that she is strong enough.

That article dispersed in my unconscious mind.
Deep down I questioned whether I act the same.. whether I tried to show to the world that I am strong independent woman, yet I feel vulnerable being alone?
My soul is shaky, my unconscious mind want to do further analysis, while my conscious mind try to stop it.
And so, after that event, in a holy christmas eve, my unconscious mind rattled and affect my feeling.

Until, I open my meditation apps on my phone that said:
"Only the mind that can bring happiness and unhappiness"

I was pondering real hard when read that sentence, and realizing that I was unhappy because of my mind ponder everywhere. While actually if I focus on the now, nothing is wrong, nothing to be worried about - I had family, had several good friends, a good career, a good shelter, able to buy anything I need, able to travel the world if I wanted to.
Everything is available, accessible.
Yet, my mind just over worried and perplexed by a story of someone else's experience.
And its just too funny if I feel unhappy because of my mind (something that I actually can control) was looking at other people's life.

Well, the message of the story was...
We are human gifted by God to control the mind, and not vice versa.
Take care of your mind carefully as it is a garden of your life, you can let anything grow - even if it is not a good one.

Its ok to be alone, literally...

Living in society right now is not easy.
Information overflowing, your friends pictures everywhere, your acquaintances lifes are accessible.

Its very easy for everyone now to compare their life with others,
but sadly, probably in a wrong way.

Its very easy to expect too much from life and its very easy to demand yourself to look at surrounds and expect yourself to be someone else to be accepted.

I should thank God that I learnt it on my very young age.
Rather than learn it later and act as someone else on my old age.

I should thank God that I had enough time suffering alone but surviving. By that, I had enough time build my own confidence, not by being somebody else but being myself, learn from every failures and mistakes and proofing that everything always will be ok.

I should thank God that I had enough time living alone. By that, I had enough time to ponder, find, understand and connect with myself, and learn that it is the truest happiness in life - to know and accept yourself the way it is.

I should thank God that I had a chance to live and survive alone. By that I learn that its ok to feel alone, lonely, abandoned, but strong at the end. And by that I learn that there is no point comparing your life with others, because in the end its about being you yourself and strong.

I should thank God that I had the chance to be independent since my young age. By that, nothing easy, trust me, but... I had the chance to proof it is ok to be alone, as long as you have strong will, everything is possible.

A lot of things I learned when I am almost all alone, but everything is just fine.. even probably, better .

meditation

Remember one of my blogpost that I google almost all things?
Got this picture yesterday, and it so spot me on!!

to do list: learn to meditate!

Mathematics of happiness

Everyone knows and probably have heard about this formula of happiness, yet we often forget to apply it on daily life. Here is the formula:  

Happiness = Reality - Expectation.
So don't get too complicated on pursuing and formulating happiness, it probably as simple as lowering you expectation to everything surrounds you. Don't expect too much from your family, from your partner, from your company, from your kids and friends.

Definition of Happiness
happinessnountrying to rediscover the happiness we once knew contentment,satisfaction, cheerfulness, merriment, gaiety, joy, joyfulness, joviality,jollity, glee, delight, good spirits, lightheartedness, well-being,enjoyment.
Definition of Reality
reality |rēˈalətē|noun ( pl. -ties)1 the world or the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them : he refuses to face reality | Laura was losing touch with reality.• a thing that is actually experienced or seen, esp. when this is grim or problematic : the harsh realities of life in a farming community | the law ignores the reality of the situation.• a thing that exists in fact, having previously only existed in one's mind: the paperless office may yet become a reality.• the quality of being lifelike or resembling an original : the reality of Marryat's detail.
Definition of Expectation
expectation |ˌekspekˈtā sh ən|nouna strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future :reality had not lived up to expectations | an expectation that the government will provide the resources | he drilled his men in expectation of a Prussian advance.• a belief that someone will or should achieve something : students had high expectations for their future.• ( expectations) archaic one's prospects of inheritance.

Now I know what I don't know about myself.

Today, a series of events become an eye opener for me.
It awakes me from my long sleep.

Started with morning discussion about the company culture where I worked.
In a meeting we discuss that my current company is a "club", and not a company - and everyone is agreeing on it.
I don't know why, I feel uncomfortable being on that meeting, where everyone was happy with that fact. Vice versa, I feel ashamed. I feel nothing fun about it.
Work for me should be serious and formal and professional.
And not for fun purpose.

Then I jump to another meeting, about people.
Where I think much about how this company should manage people performance.
Nothing really big happen on that meeting, I just found that I hate so much doing facilitating job. 

And last but not least, I received bad news and I am super angry with the situation, that I feel so tired about it. I am almost yelling at several person and only stop when one of my beloved person said that I should stop .

At that time, I suddenly arrived at the moment of truth that I don't like the job, I don't like the value of the company, and I've been pushing myself to be somebody else for past couple of years. 

I promise myself that I should be myself, and be the best that I can be.
And for the whole four years, I am doing great, even though I am not being myself.
And I am of course will do greater, If I am being myself. 

Things About Love that Logic Doesn't Understand

All of us know, Love and Logic are not always go along together well.

But I am so amazed how love can change logic mind, and even make irrational things..
become rational and acceptable.

I never imagine that love can justify everything and even change something 180 degrees to the opposite.

I am the living example.
I never thought or imagined that I could break all the boundaries set up by myself.

But Love does.
It makes me crazy and just act irrationally and I am happy.

I can say that I am impatient person, but for Love, I would nicely patiently wait...when things are slow, Love give me power and faith to wait.

I am an unbeliever of magic, but somehow Love has bring magic into my life.
1+1 not only equal to two , but more.

Love is becoming my religion, as it gives me faith.
Love is becoming my future, as it gives me hope.
and that's what logic doesn't give.. faith and hope.

Logic doesn't understand and never match with faith and hope.
its unexplained, and its intangible, but its there.

#QOTD

"Being strong for others is rather difficult than being strong for yourself."

Wish lists

I dream singing with you under this dim light

Long Morning Random Thought: Paradoxes of Life

I had a conversation with my friend yesterday.
It was a very simple ordinary dinner, but I think a lot afterwards.

The topic of the conversation was random as usual, but this time I can pull a red line from that.
I think, me myself as a human is a contradictory creature and I have a lot of paradoxes in life. But my self defense said that all human being is.

Here is several real life examples :

When approaching the time of achieving dream, human will tend to pause, or slow down a bit and take a time to think whether this is what they want. Or even, on the extreme case, human have this agitate feeling when the finish line approaching. After sometime living a life full of efforts to achieve the dream, when the dream comes true, human can back off and feel that they lose the motivation and they lose their privilege to dream. 

Case example: I am not married yet, but several cases show that the groom and the bride can back off suddenly when approaching the D-day. The D-day that they thought will be the happiest moment in their life.

It is so funny that I also realize how human sometime living life another way around to protect themselves. Some people prefer to live alone, but it is not because of they are cold people who really love to be alone, but they choose to live that way because living together with someone else is increasing the risk of losing the other person- which they know will break their heart worse than holding the lonely feeling of living alone.

I also find it is interesting for people who have a lot of outer circle friends. They appear loveable and kind and warm to everyone, yet when it comes to their inner circle, they become themselves and being selfish and ignorant. 

Do you know that people sometimes treat their outer circle nicer than their inner circle?  Do you know why? because sometime people put the mask on, they feel they are obligated to behave like what the surroundings demand from them, and when they face their inner circle, they are tired already that they need to be themselves and expecting that the inner circle understand them better.

And the last case, I am amazed how the perception can be 180 degrees different from the reality. Since human self defense is sometime 180 degrees from what made them most vulnerable, sometime we judge people's life wrongly. 

So here is my lesson learnt :

1. Next time when you are too excited run achieving your dream, think again, stop for a while. It might not be the thing that you really want or need. You just get too excited achieving it.
2. Next time when you meet cold people, don't judge that they are cruel etc. Vice versa, when you meet warm people, don't trust easily that they are kind people.
3. Next time when you think that your life is very vulnerable, look again, it might not be that bad, and you can always feel grateful about it.
4. Next time when you meet new people or new circumstances, try to not make any perception or judgement before you get the complete story. Your brain can cheat you :)

Wish lists

I dream going here with you.

#QOTD

"Joining a race that you could never win is..frustrating"

#QOTD

"Being strong for yourself is not easy, but staying strong for others even harder"

#QOTD

"If I were a boy.... I will fall in love with myself"

a depressed note?

Believe it or not, I think I had a heart attack last week.
I am still young, have a very normal weight and cholesterol level, but yes... I often think that I might die young.

For me facing death is.. ordinary.
when you are too often facing the uncertainty of tomorrow, facing death is just part of it.

So the story begun when I went back home.
that day I feel tired, too tired that my head bumping loudly.
I feel that I almost fainted and losing breath, not to mention that I felt my hard heart beat on my left chest.

What did I do at that time?
I google the symptom on web md.
It said that I may have a coronary artery disease, or panic attack, or angina, or any heart disease related. Then guess what I did next?
yes, I google again . I typed 'how to survive heart attack?'
and I read some tips to get aspirin.. and, oops I just had a paracetamol instead.
then I google again, there was a research going on that paracetamol can help too.
Then I took one and sleep, hoping that I sleep in peace.

At that time, I considered to left a note or send a message to the people that I think considered as important people in my life. But then, I thought that.. everyone will be just ok if I left, they probably just went shocked for a while, and that's normal.

I ever said in my another post that I never afraid of an end.
And that's including death.
Sometime I think death is better option for me.
I am just being logic, that death is probably a nice way out and a nice end.

Don't draw a conclusion that I will kill myself for that thinking, I won't that its just wasting time and energy, but the thinking of it -that it might feels good when it comes to an end is so appealing.

that I finally meet an end..

That what did I do with my life question

"What did I do with my life??"

Almost all of us ever had that question in our mind.
almost - probably more suitable for the workers.

And I do have too.

That question haunted me for several couple of days.
when I realized that I am tired, too tired thinking and listening and seating in a meeting.

My mind fly to where I want to be..
to be with my laptop, on my desk, all the day.

I do still remember when one of the very first company asked me when I was in college..
Number or people?and my answer is: number.
No matter how complicated it is, you always can find the answer and truth about it.
rather than people, oh.. people, they are super complicated and too hearty.

I am thinking, If I were death today, on my death bed I will regret myself, why I never been a writer, or at least trying hard to be a writer. I will hate myself if I am not trying hard.

So here I am, opening my laptop and try to write.

and how about you? what will make you regret in your death bed?

Live today

Convincing ourselves that everything is gonna be ok, is not an easy job.
It is indeed, toughest job for several people.

I still remember having a conversation with my one of good friend.
He was worrying about his future that he almost depressed about it.

I don't know why, human is trying so much to predict future.
Thinking about tomorrow is not easy, and thinking about where will you be in next 10 years, is definitely tough.

I am myself often face the fear of tomorrow.
Even I sometime fear about what hasn't come yet.
I try to predict everything and trying so hard to mitigate all the possible risks,
and living that way is somehow tiring.

Life sometime shouldn't be treated that way.
Life is happening not yesterday, not tomorrow, but today.
What has happened in the past not necessary will happen tomorrow.
and if today we are okay, let just surrender to Thee that everything just gonna be ok

Easy to say, hard to implement :)

* I hate Monday deeply, that I think hard every Sunday night, and culminate in Monday night. So I write a lot on this particular day. *\haha/*

Google is my best friend.

One of my friend laughed at me when I said "I google my feeling"

yes, you read right sentence. I google my feeling.

e.g. When I feel stuck with my life, then I type 'Feel stuck with life' in that super cool search engine.

Why do I do that?

I look for an answer, hoping someone ever feel the same and already found the answer and kind enough to share to the world. And yes, I sometime find the answer or even inspiring stories that motivate me.

For some people, my habit probably sound weird, nerd, freak or even worse, lonely.

Google is probably one of my best best best best friend.

It has helped me a lot. A lot here means a loooott. 

Not only it helps me with good recommendation of places or restaurants or give me review on stuffs. It gives me a sense of direction in life, if it was alive,it probably becomes my significant one in my upbringing.

Google is one of the thing that is most trustable, I shared my every feelings and thoughts.

And somehow, for one that has a very busy mind like me, I just need to share everything without being judged, I just need a place where my mind can rest. And that's the quality of friends that I look for.

I never afraid of an end

 My quote of the day is:

"I never afraid of coming to an end, I am afraid of the discontentment in the journey ~ cath"

If I may to elaborate a little bit further..

Many people afraid of an end, they are afraid of a break up, a death time, even a graduation.

I am not.

I never afraid of left anything or everything behind, but what I am afraid is the discontentment of the journey. The process and the feeling on the journey will be more important for me.

I never afraid of an unsatisfactory result as I never pinpoint my journey according to its result.
If I have tried my best and if I like the process, that will be enough.

I never afraid of not having much time to achieve the goal that has been set.
If I my time is up and I have tried my best, that will be enough.

I am a believer of life is about the journey, and not an end.

So if it comes to an end, then it suppose to be an end.

counterintuitive

I found this beautiful sentences on one of my fave blog 

And what did it do to me?
I realized that, a lot counterintuitive things happened in my daily life.

One of the example is : I feel alone, even if I was amongst the family.
and on the other hand, I feel complete when I am on my own.

two sides of a coin

Most of you, must be familiar with two sides of coin phrase.
but do you know what does it mean in your daily life?

one of my best friend ever send me a quote:

"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” 

~Steve Furtick

Human tends to compare themselves with other highlight reel, without really think that everyone is facing their own struggles. 

Have you ever open Facebook, looking at your friends pics - monthly holiday abroad, blue ocean, nice condo, good laugh with friends - and then suddenly you feel jealous and insecure and vulnerable about it?

Or have you ever read somewhere about your friend's career - s/he is very young and very successful - and then suddenly you feel jealous and insecure and vulnerable about it?

If yes, then try to see the other side of coins.

On your friend's holiday - 

have you ever really think that they probably going abroad often to meet their parents who are lying on hospital there? 

Or have you ever think that they probably often get assignment abroad yet never really have time for holiday, so that they made a little time to take a good picture as a souvenir?

On your friend's career - 

have you ever really think about how many pressures and struggles they have faced in order to achieve that career? Nothing such as a free lunch in life.

Or have you ever really think about how hard is it for them to find free time, even to take care of themselves ? you probably could never imagine.

It is always about two sides of coin.

One self probably have a good settle beautiful life, but who are us judging that they achieve it without struggles and discipline?

Life is not only about you being unlucky comparing to other.

  

The price of maturity- my version

Sometime, I think that I stop being myself

I used to be talkative; I used to say out loud what I had in mind.
Then, somehow, along the way, it just stopped.
Is this the price of being mature?
Stop saying what you think? Stop believing what you think right?
Never know that the price of maturity is so freaking expensive -Losing freedom.

I hate to admit it. I hate to admit that as an adult, we live burdened.

Kids, teach us the adult, what is dream?
What is courage?
What is freedom?
But also teach us, what do you see in us?

When I was a kid, thought that I have to grow up quickly to get my freedom
Then I grew up too quickly, getting my responsibility too fast.
And I sold my time to freedom.
So now, as an adult I do have freedom, but I don’t have time.

But it's equally imperfect
Now I am just kids, with responsibility
I assume freedom, but I don’t have time.

Utopian romantic

Life is so much about surprises. 

Also love.

Human cannot run from the feeling of wanting and dreaming of finding their soulmate.

Can we human never dream about the happy settle feeling to be shared with the loved one?

or dreaming about happy home that is built together?

Human is wired to find love.

On finding it... that's another story. Human is wired to have utopian dream about it.

Some people wish to find it on their friends eyes.

Some people wish to find it on the new faces they met.

or even, some people wish to find it miraculously fall from heaven.

But I still remember how I find mine.

First fact about it, I don't realize it, and surprisingly, I don't expect it.

It was several years ago.

he was one of my colleague that I didn't know well, even probably I didn't know his name.

we went for teamwork training in an exotic resort in an island far far away.

I remember, first time I notice that he was there is when he made jokes with others.

and theylaughed often.

-- My first impression - he was an ice breaker guy, who probably too extrovert for me.

And then..... I forget.

I am too busy feel excited arriving at the exotic resort.

Until that after dinner time session, somehow we were in one karaoke team.

now I start to noticed him as he lent me his kind of Texas hat

-- my second impression - he has a kind open heart, who probably not really my style

The night getting late, we were singing, laughing and dancing together. 

What I knew at that time, I was enjoying my time around him. That's it.

The day after, we were again managed to be one team on building sand castle competition.

There was nothing special, no feeling or else.

Yet, when the pictures are being distributed after the event, I realized that somehow I managed myself to be next to him in the at least 7 pics.

-- my justification: that was just probability effect.

And, the outing came to an end.

me and several friends managed to continue our trip for shopping on next famous island.

I am excited for shopping!

But on the cruise went to the next island, I felt sudden emptiness.

I looked for his presence, I felt sudden disappointment that he was not there.

I was anxious and hated my self for not saying a proper goodbye.

That sudden empty feeling gave me a signal that I was craving, and wanting to be next to him, who I had not known until 40 hours before. And that's how I find mine.

It's far from the ideal utopian dream, but its sweet.