I used to named my blog as microstory blog..

Why?

I wish this blog could capture every microthought appeared every microsecond in my head.

I wish through this blog, I could share every microdetails of my worth experience.

Hoping that it would help someone when reading mine; in a way help to share something tiny worth and well shared.

 

In 24 hours of your daily life, so many micro things happened; without us realize about it.

Every second; there is hundreds micro process happened in your body.

From a micro diffusion of oxygen to your lungs up to a hundreds micro pulse transferred in your brain when read this sentences.

And of course there are a lot more micro things happened in your daily life and surroundings.

and that every single detail; is worth to shared.

 

So many people waiting for BIG things in their life to be shared.

in my microstory; that will be never happened.

Every thought; every small thing is worth to share.

 

So. enjoy!

It took me 25 years to have the courage to publish this blog

I always want to have a blog. A good one, an inspiring one.

And up to now, I’ve made efforts to produce two blogs.

So this is my third one.

and why the hell on earth I make another new one?

~ that’s probably the question pop up in your mind when you read this line.

 

Here’s the story begin…

On my two previous blogs, I don’t have the courage to publish myself.

I don’t have the courage to say “this is me, world” ; I put a lot of stories and life lessons there, but yet I am trying too hard to be perfect until I don’t think it is good enough to be published.

And actually what I did with the blogs, I did it with my life for this whole 25 years.

 

For whole of this time, I always want to be a good writer, but then I think that I need to be as perfect as my fave writer to be able to write, to be able to put the the words nicely in a sentence, to be smart enough to choose the right grammar, to be able to be structured enough to make a good plot, to be able to be fun enough to have a reader, and to be able to inspire people with my story.

 

And yes, that’s also made me realize that that’s what I did with my life.

I am waiting, waiting, waiting and waiting until someday I become as perfect as all the writers that I look up to..

I’ve been living for 25 years 4 months, and in fact, just yesterday, yes- yesterday, 3rd Aug 2012.

I realized that I will never reach any goals in my life if I keep looking at others and trying to be them.

I am me! and I am unique, and I cannot be everyone else. And so do them, they are themselves when they’re producing that all amazing blog that I love.

 

So, starting today, I decide to be myself, to be me.. –> that’s why I am saying, It took me 25 years to publish this blog.

This is me, who not really smart, who have a bad grammar, who sometimes really un-structured and impulsive. And this is me trying to share every story in the journey of finding myself – Convince myself it is okay to have a blog with limited way to explain the story * will try my best!

 

Enjoy my past post, which I kept for 4 years? 

and I promise, I'll try to keep posting.

Luv,

cath

Cerita Cinta Kemarin Sore- Stroberi vs Coklat

Stroberi – Merah menggoda, terlihat manis, menyimpan seribu rahasia dengannya; stroberi bisa terlihat manis di luar, namun dari gigitan pertama kamu akan menyadari bahwa merah itu dandanan belaka untuk menutup seribu cerita masam, seribu cerita pahit, dan belum lagi sesuatu yang beracun. Jadi berhati-hatilah dengan stroberi.

That’s one of my writings in 2002 or 2003.

Adalah 3 orang sahabat (Dari sekumpulan besar sahabat tentunya-). Eve, Chris, and myself.

3 orang sahabat ini saling mengenal sejak masih duduk di bangku SMP. Eve dan aku satu tingkat, Chris lebih tua satu tahun.

Eve dan Chris sudah menjalin hubungan semenjak aku kelas 2 SMP.. dan aku baru mengenal mereka secara dekat kelas 3 SMP akhir. Pertemanan itu berjalan lancar, mulus sebagaimana pertemanan masa remaja.

Aku yang duduk di kelas 3 SMP, pendiam, agak pemalu dan rendah diri namun dinilai lebih dewasa dari teman2 sebaya (bagi temanku yang tahu siapa aku sebenarnya). Beberapa teman datang untuk bercerita, meminta pendapat.

Begitu pula dengan Eve dan Chris, layaknya yang lain, mereka menceritakan apapun tentang permasalahan hubungan mereka padaku. Aku sering menjadi penengah dari perselisihan-perselisihan kecil mereka, ataupun menjadi mediator dari pertengkaran-pertengkaran besar mereka.

Selayaknya anak gadis umur 3 SMP, aku pun jatuh cinta, dan bertukar cerita dengan kedua sahabat dekatku. Cerita cinta yang kubawa dari kelas 3 SMP itu berlangsung sekitar hampir 2 tahun – sebenarnya itu cerita cinta yang kandas di tengah jalan, sang pria lupa, sang gadis masih merindu dan bertanya kenapa. (This is another story, ignore it)

Well, naik ke bangku SMA, akhirnya Eve dan Chris memutuskan untuk berpisah. Putus hubungan. Aku menganggap itu biasa, setelah mereka putus sambung ratusan kali. Eve meraung sedih, namun gengsi untuk meminta kembali. Ia berusaha (sok) tegar layaknya wanita yang mempertahankan harga dirinya. Namun aku ingat, dia bercerita padaku betapa dia sakit, perih dan ingin kembali.

Chris, sebagai kakak kelas kami, dia menjauh, pergi bergaul dengan teman2nya seangkatan. Meski demikian, aku, sang mediator, masih berusaha sok bijak dan sok dewasa – membujuk Chris kembali pada Eve.

Pembicaraan-pembicaraan itu menjadi topik regular kami. Eve bercerita padaku, aku bercerita pada Chris. Dan akhirnya Chris bercerita padaku bagaimana ia kecewa dengan sifat kekanakkan Eve. Di tengah teman-temanku tersayang, aku berusaha menjadi simpul antara tali percintaan yang terputus.

Situasi itu berlangsung cukup lama. Aku tak bisa ingat berapa lama pastinya. Sampai akhirnya, Eve putus asa tak menemukan titik temu. Dan aku pun lelah menjadi penyambung.

Tak tahu bagaimana, aku yang masih remaja ini juga, butuh telinga yang mendengar, dan entah kenapa aku bercerita pada Chris tentang diriku sendiri yang patah hati dan hancur menunggu seorang pria yang lupa (refer to paragraph 7).

Hari-hari berjalan biasa. Sampai suatu hari di satu tahun kemudian. Ketika aku sedang bercerita tentang perihnya patah hatiku, entah kenapa akhirnya Chris mengungkap alasan sebenarnya mengapa dia memilih putus dengan Eve. Dia menyebut namaku sebagai alasannya. Aku diam, tak bergeming, tak mengerti.

Masih ingat, malam itu aku linglung. Berasa perih dan bersalah atas kandasnya hubungan 2 sahabat baikku.

Bodohnya aku, keesokan harinya, aku tak mampu menyimpan perih itu sendirian. Eve yang dekat denganku merasa ada yang salah denganku hari itu. Dia mendesakku untuk bercerita, sampai hari kesekian, aku akhirnya menyerah, aku pun menceritakan percakapan anehku dengan Chris.

Entah bagaimana, Eve yang masih mencinta sebelah pihak itu, merasa menemukan aku sebagai objek empuk kemarahannya. Dia menyalahkanku atas semua ketidakbahagiannya dan ketidakberdayaannya selama ini.

Dan aku yang masih naïf, entah kenapa juga merasa sebegitu bersalahnya.

Di satu sisi, Chris, yang sudah lebih dewasa, mengingatkanku bahwa Eve hanya marah karena ia sebenarnya tidak mampu menerima kenyataan, dan ia pun mengingatkanku dengan keras bahwa hati tak bisa ditahan. Hati tak bisa berbohong, karena ia selalu menemukan jalannya sendiri menemukan seseorang untuk dicinta. Dia berusaha menjelaskan padaku bahwa, dia tidak pernah berencana untuk jatuh hati padaku. Namun, aku pun berubah pahit. Pura-pura tidak mengerti apa maksud semua itu.

Bagiku yang tidak banyak teman ini, mempunyai seorang sahabat seperti Eve adalah anugrah. Dan aku tidak mungkin menyambut cinta dari seorang sahabat yang kuanggap seperti kakak sendiri, yang kemudian hari aku sangat tahu bahwa aku juga hanya menyangkal diri sendiri.

Hari-hari kelabu itu datang, Eve yang selalu menjauh, Chris yang selalu merayu.

Susah payah aku menjelaskan kepada dua pihak. Pada Eve dan Chris aku menjelaskan bahwa aku tidak mungkin mengkhianati persahabatan. Namun, lagi-lagi tidak ada yang mendengar.

Status Quo itu terjadi selama 9 bulan, Eve selalu membuang muka dengan kejam. Aku ingat suatu malam ketika dia menemukan aku dan Chris sedang mengobrol di belakang panggung pensi sekolah kami. Dia datang dan memecahkan satu gelas kaca di depanku, tanda peperangan sejati yang ingin dia mulai.

Sebagai gadis remaja biasa, aku lelah berlari dan ingin menjadi diriku sendiri. Aku akhirnya mulai membuka hati untuk Chris – tanpa setahu dirinya.

Selama itu pulalah, aku bermain sebagai stroberi. Seseorang yang pura-pura bermain cantik, pura-pura tegar, namun sebenarnya, di dalam aku mulai membusuk dan mengerang. Aku tahu, hatiku mulai beralih pada Chris, namun aku berusaha menolak keinginan hati sendiri – Bagi mereka yang sudah pernah berusaha menahan rasa cinta, mereka akan tahu sulitnya seperti apa.

Hari, minggu dan bulan berlalu. Aku tetap tegar sebagai stroberi liar yang tumbuh di tengah hutan sendirian. Chris akhirnya pun menyerah. Dia berjanji menghargai keputusanku sebagai gadis yang beranjak dewasa.

Kepergian Chris dari hidupku terasa pahit. Aku berharap, dia kembali mengetuk pintu hatiku, seperti yang dulu dia lakukan. Namun terlambat, dia sudah pergi. Aku pun tak sempat mencicipi dirinya yang semanis coklat.

Ketika kami bertemu lagi di satu hari di tahun lain. Kami mendiskusikan hal ini, melihat ke belakang dan tertawa. Mengingat permainan hide and seek bodoh yang kami lakukan. Padahal, stroberi dan coklat bisa jadi paduan yang sangat ciamik…

Simple Happiness: I give myself a holiday on Sunday morning

This morning, I woke up and thought this will be another ordinary Sunday. But then, I made a phone call to one of Balinese Spa across the street. I want to start this day, relax. They have a free slot at 10 am, then went there. The spa was good. Made me feel fresh and light.

Initially, I planned to go straight back home, so I went outside the spa, and surprisingly feel really happy found the sun shines brightly.

Suddenly, my feet led me to a café in the corner of the street, I forget the plan to went back home soon. Within seconds, I sit there and ordered the only one breakfast menu that they had. Sunny side egg with toasted bread.

Then, two slices of bread came, followed by one glass of orange juice and a cup of hot tea. “Wow, this is a big breakfast!” I thought. Seemed that it wasn’t enough, another plate of sunny side egg with hash brown potato and sausages came.

“Well, this is Sunday, lets have a BIG happy breakfast” I told myself.

I didn’t know where the idea came from, suddenly an idea popped up “Let’s act as a tourist this morning, I deserve holiday” . Then, I put my sunglasses on, formalized my crazy sudden idea to act as a tourist.

I sit there around an hour, enjoying my breakfast while watching people come and go crossing the street, open a map or just stop taking pictures. There are people with many nationalities: Korean, Japanese, Malaysian, Western, Middle Eastern. “They are on holiday…” I thought. “Mmm..wait..Today?? What date is it? How can they easily pick up their holiday date?”

I keep watching them while finishing my breakfast. Their faces portray excitement, happiness. My brain couldn’t stop thinking “Why are they so excited and happy?”

During that time, I realized something. We are human often fail appreciating what we have. We forget to be grateful for a little small things surround us.

I live there, 100 meters from one of tourism spot in Singapore, I often go there to have a fast breakfast, or dinner. First time I went there, I am so excited, but the feeling is disappeared after the third visit. When things are taking their ordinary course, it’s so easy to take everyday life for granted.

Don’t you think it is funny? Human often wait for something BIG happened in their life to be happy. We wait to see new things to be excited, and pathetically, we fail appreciating the surrounds beauty.

We think that we’ll be happy once we arrive at some destinations. But often, arriving doesn’t make us as happy as well, we keep raising the bar, we keep stacking our expectation. It’s important not to expect too much happiness at the destination, but the journey as well. Appreciating the journey, the little things and surround is really important.

Today, I remind myself to be grateful for what I have. For the family, and lovely friends that I have.

Today, I remind myself to be grateful for all the processes happening in my life, it doesn’t always be a bright sunny day, but I will learn to be thankful and put faith on life.

Today, I remind myself to be grateful for all of my surroundings, beautiful city – I call it “City of lights”.

And today, I give myself a sweet holiday. I don’t need to be a tourist somewhere to be happy, being here in the middle of the crowd, I will be as happy as those tourists 

Real vs Unreal

So, who could tell me what is real and what is unreal?

I was spending two days – 48 hours with him, in fact I have spent 1 year and 4 months loving him.

When I took him to airport this morning, I was questioning, what is real between us?

Is it worth to spend time loving him, and yet, I doubt what is the result of this kind of “very complicated” relationship?

What is the most important factor of Real?

Is this relationship actually happening or not? Is this result of the reality, or just my wishful thinking?

These questions trigger me to think more and more about this relationship.

Well, let me elaborate what was happening between me and him.

So.. we are together, mm not we aren’t.. he does with someone else..

We are falling in love for each other, mmm not quite sure. 

I can assure that i am falling in love with him, but not quite sure vice versa..

We are meeting each other. Yes, we are regularly meet each other.

We are taking care of each other. mmm, sort of..

So can we categorize this as relationship?

real one? or unreal one?