Now I know what I don't know about myself.

Today, a series of events become an eye opener for me.
It awakes me from my long sleep.

Started with morning discussion about the company culture where I worked.
In a meeting we discuss that my current company is a "club", and not a company - and everyone is agreeing on it.
I don't know why, I feel uncomfortable being on that meeting, where everyone was happy with that fact. Vice versa, I feel ashamed. I feel nothing fun about it.
Work for me should be serious and formal and professional.
And not for fun purpose.

Then I jump to another meeting, about people.
Where I think much about how this company should manage people performance.
Nothing really big happen on that meeting, I just found that I hate so much doing facilitating job. 

And last but not least, I received bad news and I am super angry with the situation, that I feel so tired about it. I am almost yelling at several person and only stop when one of my beloved person said that I should stop .

At that time, I suddenly arrived at the moment of truth that I don't like the job, I don't like the value of the company, and I've been pushing myself to be somebody else for past couple of years. 

I promise myself that I should be myself, and be the best that I can be.
And for the whole four years, I am doing great, even though I am not being myself.
And I am of course will do greater, If I am being myself. 

Things About Love that Logic Doesn't Understand

All of us know, Love and Logic are not always go along together well.

But I am so amazed how love can change logic mind, and even make irrational things..
become rational and acceptable.

I never imagine that love can justify everything and even change something 180 degrees to the opposite.

I am the living example.
I never thought or imagined that I could break all the boundaries set up by myself.

But Love does.
It makes me crazy and just act irrationally and I am happy.

I can say that I am impatient person, but for Love, I would nicely patiently wait...when things are slow, Love give me power and faith to wait.

I am an unbeliever of magic, but somehow Love has bring magic into my life.
1+1 not only equal to two , but more.

Love is becoming my religion, as it gives me faith.
Love is becoming my future, as it gives me hope.
and that's what logic doesn't give.. faith and hope.

Logic doesn't understand and never match with faith and hope.
its unexplained, and its intangible, but its there.

#QOTD

"Being strong for others is rather difficult than being strong for yourself."

Wish lists

I dream singing with you under this dim light

Long Morning Random Thought: Paradoxes of Life

I had a conversation with my friend yesterday.
It was a very simple ordinary dinner, but I think a lot afterwards.

The topic of the conversation was random as usual, but this time I can pull a red line from that.
I think, me myself as a human is a contradictory creature and I have a lot of paradoxes in life. But my self defense said that all human being is.

Here is several real life examples :

When approaching the time of achieving dream, human will tend to pause, or slow down a bit and take a time to think whether this is what they want. Or even, on the extreme case, human have this agitate feeling when the finish line approaching. After sometime living a life full of efforts to achieve the dream, when the dream comes true, human can back off and feel that they lose the motivation and they lose their privilege to dream. 

Case example: I am not married yet, but several cases show that the groom and the bride can back off suddenly when approaching the D-day. The D-day that they thought will be the happiest moment in their life.

It is so funny that I also realize how human sometime living life another way around to protect themselves. Some people prefer to live alone, but it is not because of they are cold people who really love to be alone, but they choose to live that way because living together with someone else is increasing the risk of losing the other person- which they know will break their heart worse than holding the lonely feeling of living alone.

I also find it is interesting for people who have a lot of outer circle friends. They appear loveable and kind and warm to everyone, yet when it comes to their inner circle, they become themselves and being selfish and ignorant. 

Do you know that people sometimes treat their outer circle nicer than their inner circle?  Do you know why? because sometime people put the mask on, they feel they are obligated to behave like what the surroundings demand from them, and when they face their inner circle, they are tired already that they need to be themselves and expecting that the inner circle understand them better.

And the last case, I am amazed how the perception can be 180 degrees different from the reality. Since human self defense is sometime 180 degrees from what made them most vulnerable, sometime we judge people's life wrongly. 

So here is my lesson learnt :

1. Next time when you are too excited run achieving your dream, think again, stop for a while. It might not be the thing that you really want or need. You just get too excited achieving it.
2. Next time when you meet cold people, don't judge that they are cruel etc. Vice versa, when you meet warm people, don't trust easily that they are kind people.
3. Next time when you think that your life is very vulnerable, look again, it might not be that bad, and you can always feel grateful about it.
4. Next time when you meet new people or new circumstances, try to not make any perception or judgement before you get the complete story. Your brain can cheat you :)

Wish lists

I dream going here with you.