Will it be too weird if I write a birthday note after a post about plans before dying?
(well I am weird and random..)
It is several minutes passing my birth day.
My pondering moment come easily the whole day. I try to stop it but it flows profusely.
I was kinda reviewing myself, I was trying to look to myself deeper and ask those long boring questions:
"Who Am I? What Am I Doing in This World? Why Am I Here? What Am I Meant to Be? Had I Give the Best Shot for My Life? What Am I Afraid Of?" etc etc etc
In the middle of me answering questions from the other part of me, I stuck at one point where I realize I am not being honest with myself.
I thought I am at the point where I don't care about what other people think about me.
I thought I am at the point where I don't need to be perfect and can accept myself with that.
And I thought I have loved myself as much as I need me to love me.
But the more I asked myself about the very last thought, the more I doubt about it.
I honestly never really feel anything about myself.
I raised myself to be a strong woman, a truly strong independent, confident one.
(for the last adjective, I build it from my thousands unconfident experiences) ;
the all above adjectives made me think I am at point where I love myself enough.
And yet, still, the more I think about it, the more I doubt it.
This is not about me hating myself, definitely no.. but I just realize that I don't love myself enough.
I always told myself the TOO wordings: Too fat, too skinny, too lazy, too harsh, too hardworker, too ..., too..., too...., too..., too... and a lot other too.. things.
I come to a realization, that I have not enough given a chance to say to myself: enough effort, enough sleep, enough willingness...
So I thought self-loving is easy, but no, it is not.
Today is my first day on my new age, so I guess I need to practice a lot about self loving.
Yet, I am grateful to be able to realize this in such a young age, because the topic of self-loving will need to be learned in a lifetime.
Today I give myself a praise to myself on these hard realization (well it's not easy..)
I have a year homework to work on the 'enough' part :)
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| I love candle as a symbol of reflection |
Last, let me blow the candle for myself :)
