Turn your wound into your strengths

“I’m stronger because of hard times, wiser because of my mistakes; and happier because I have known sadness.” - Unknown

Some people look up to me as their role model, some said I am being lucky to be able to reach a great career in my young age. I live in an emerging country where I can go to gym which cost equal to 50% of some other people monthly revenue or I can go shopping on weekend which cost equal to 100% of some other people monthly salary..(note: Only if I wanted to)

 

So many people looking at me with jealousy- they said I am lucky and success; some even guessed I am a spoiled daughter of some big family. But not so many people know, I am an open wound.

Life has been really tough on me since I was a kid, I never had a complete family. My dad was never been there since I was one year old, and my mom, she was too busy healing herself. I grew up with insecurities, I grew up with that loneliness and that craving for attention feeling.

 

I went to one of famous high school in Indonesia, when every other kids went there with expensive cars, I simply used my old brother’s motorcycle or general transportation. When everyone changed their fashion every two weeks, I simply changed it for once a year. When everyone went to holiday with their parent’s money, I simply need to sell one of my gadget to afford vacation.
 

It sound shallow when you compare yourself with other by what you have and what you wear. But for 11 year old kids, it is. I grew up bitter, not having anyone protecting me at that time.

My only reason of being able to be successful today is my will to push myself. 

I always push my limits, I always give and deliver more. Some said, that is my quality. No it is not. It is my coping mechanism.

I never have anyone who I can count on, since I was a kid, I only trust myself, I work really damn hard and trying to not really care about my surroundings. Slow but sure, I am paving my success path with that open wound.

Until one day, I realize that my life is getting better, everything is settled and I can fulfill anything that I need. I looked back and just realized that I run from my past, I run with that open wound and never plan to come back.

Today, I convince myself that if not because of my wound and coping mechanism, I will not be here and achieving this point in life. This wound has taught me a good quality of life, that we can’t always depend on others for our happiness, that it is pointless to compare yourself with others.

Sometime, its still hurt if I remember those sad times in the past, but I am trying to accept that as my past and turn it to my strengths. I taught myself to remember that    I am not who I am today without the wound. It is easier to say than to do it.

When life hits you hard, when you lose someone you love, you will not automatically embrace the pain, you will hate it, you struggle, you want to run.

Its easy to forget the lesson that you have learnt; but today I remind myself once again (and you) to embrace your wound and turn it to your strength! I believe you also have passed some stories in your life- the story that make you stronger than yesterday J

A series of brokenhearted story

My heart has been broken several times - 3 major breaks and several tiny wounds to be exact :) Soon will add one more, and this time, could be massive break. 

Looking back, I am amazed that I survive that 3 major breaks.
What so funny about that three major breaks, I don't think I ever be with them in a nice condition. They were.. either with someone else when I found them or never admitted me in front of his family.

The first one was my early junior high school crush to my cool senior called Dave Moffats.
I never be really with him, we just spent several calls to have a deep chat.
Yet, I was longing for him like.. years, and when I found out he was with someone else - I still remember that day I felt like I want to take a suicidal act.

The second one was my love rebound from that senior Dave.
Someone from my peers, someone that I never really noticed before, well I knew he already has relationship with a shy girl.
Yet, somehow, he said that he noticed me for two years back and never had a chance talked to me. So from there we tried to go together, with a ditch act from him to that shy girl .. and it only lasts for.. 3 months. Gosh!
He look after another girl again afterwards. Shoot!
It felt so hurts at that time. I spent two years forgetting this one.

And the third one feel like drama when I write this now..
He basically a son of a pastor in my church, where to have a relationship need a serious commitment and a series of praying and approval events.
He is such a nice guy, a pianist, yet I knew his dark side.
I have accepted him for whom he was, yet he treated me like I was not exist.
He decided to leave me just because of her older sister's bad dream. Gosh!
This one cost me too much! I need to turn off my hand phone for 6 months, and series of days losing appetite to eat or do anything else. 

After these stories, there are several more wounds, but not as major as these three- even if when I broke up with my 7 years boy friend.

Look at my stories above.. I can conclude a red bold line, I tend to love what I don't have. I admire a guy who never committed to be with me.

I love loving someone who are able to break my heart, otherwise I can't call it Love.

I have the fourth story with me now, the lovely imperfect story; the depth of relationship was deeper than ever, I never give and take as many as this before.

This story, could end up anytime too; and we'll see how can I cope up.

However it was proven that with the three stories before, I could be stronger than yesterday.

Eagle

Dear Eagle,

I remember found you one day years ago
You are handsome, brave yet bruised.
I remember found you with your broken wings,
defeated by the unmet expectations and fear of being alone.

I decided to take care of you while I know you'll fly someday
I fed you love and warmth, hoping you gain your hope and confident.
I'd love to see you try to fly once again, even if I know that I'll miss you badly.

The time for you to fly is nearly come
I looked back and never regret decision I made 
I find every seconds worth, seeing your wings spread and your every attempt to fly

I always know that your home is not with me
You are meant to be flying upthere, somewhere.
I wish you enjoy every storm and weather you are flying into

Send me some prays when you are away.. 

A small note for you

I always believe that I was born with an empty heart.

There is a gap inside of it which always deliver an insecurity, vulnerability, and loneliness, and since I've found you I learned to deal with it.

Yet the time has come, and this is the time for me to continue the healing journey myself.
Thanks for being the greatest cure in my life

... 

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

 And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Lost in you

Gatot Subroto, Jakarta - 5.30AM

 

Gatot Subroto, Jakarta - 5AM

 

Into these lights I lost myself.

I can stand hours staring at them, sinking to the peaceful silence and crowds.

This is my peaceful moment!



 

Gatot Subroto, Jakarta - 7PM