My mind wanders off a lot lately.
Seems like it finds its own world and creating its own stories, which unfortunately affect my mood a lot. And if I had a Dumbledore's pensieve, here is a piece of my rambled mind.
I don't feel good lately.
Starting from last christmas eve day.
I suddenly met a huge emptiness starting that day, I feel disappointed with myself who didn't arrange any special event on that day.
It supposed to be special, it supposed to be warm, it supposed to be relieving joy, it supposed to be... (My mind continue to build expectations)
But what I had on that day is.. an empty room, a have no idea "what did i have for dinner?" brain, an empty stomach and a hollow heart.
And I've tried to fixed it, yet, it didn't succeed.
and I tried it the next two days, where I met friends and try to put a beautiful fake smile..
and it didn't succeed.
I tried again today, where I bought my 3 nephew and nieces christmas gifts.
and it didn't succeed.
My mind unrested and was looking for the answer why a logic creature like me can be "not so in shape". Then from thousand of memories in my brain, I remember that about two weeks ago, I read an article about a single writer and traveller who actually feel empty and scared being alone, yet she tried to show to the world that she is strong enough.
That article dispersed in my unconscious mind.
Deep down I questioned whether I act the same.. whether I tried to show to the world that I am strong independent woman, yet I feel vulnerable being alone?
My soul is shaky, my unconscious mind want to do further analysis, while my conscious mind try to stop it.
And so, after that event, in a holy christmas eve, my unconscious mind rattled and affect my feeling.
Until, I open my meditation apps on my phone that said:
"Only the mind that can bring happiness and unhappiness"
I was pondering real hard when read that sentence, and realizing that I was unhappy because of my mind ponder everywhere. While actually if I focus on the now, nothing is wrong, nothing to be worried about - I had family, had several good friends, a good career, a good shelter, able to buy anything I need, able to travel the world if I wanted to.
Everything is available, accessible.
Yet, my mind just over worried and perplexed by a story of someone else's experience.
And its just too funny if I feel unhappy because of my mind (something that I actually can control) was looking at other people's life.
Well, the message of the story was...
We are human gifted by God to control the mind, and not vice versa.
Take care of your mind carefully as it is a garden of your life, you can let anything grow - even if it is not a good one.
