#QOTD

"Joining a race that you could never win is..frustrating"

#QOTD

"Being strong for yourself is not easy, but staying strong for others even harder"

#QOTD

"If I were a boy.... I will fall in love with myself"

a depressed note?

Believe it or not, I think I had a heart attack last week.
I am still young, have a very normal weight and cholesterol level, but yes... I often think that I might die young.

For me facing death is.. ordinary.
when you are too often facing the uncertainty of tomorrow, facing death is just part of it.

So the story begun when I went back home.
that day I feel tired, too tired that my head bumping loudly.
I feel that I almost fainted and losing breath, not to mention that I felt my hard heart beat on my left chest.

What did I do at that time?
I google the symptom on web md.
It said that I may have a coronary artery disease, or panic attack, or angina, or any heart disease related. Then guess what I did next?
yes, I google again . I typed 'how to survive heart attack?'
and I read some tips to get aspirin.. and, oops I just had a paracetamol instead.
then I google again, there was a research going on that paracetamol can help too.
Then I took one and sleep, hoping that I sleep in peace.

At that time, I considered to left a note or send a message to the people that I think considered as important people in my life. But then, I thought that.. everyone will be just ok if I left, they probably just went shocked for a while, and that's normal.

I ever said in my another post that I never afraid of an end.
And that's including death.
Sometime I think death is better option for me.
I am just being logic, that death is probably a nice way out and a nice end.

Don't draw a conclusion that I will kill myself for that thinking, I won't that its just wasting time and energy, but the thinking of it -that it might feels good when it comes to an end is so appealing.

that I finally meet an end..

That what did I do with my life question

"What did I do with my life??"

Almost all of us ever had that question in our mind.
almost - probably more suitable for the workers.

And I do have too.

That question haunted me for several couple of days.
when I realized that I am tired, too tired thinking and listening and seating in a meeting.

My mind fly to where I want to be..
to be with my laptop, on my desk, all the day.

I do still remember when one of the very first company asked me when I was in college..
Number or people?and my answer is: number.
No matter how complicated it is, you always can find the answer and truth about it.
rather than people, oh.. people, they are super complicated and too hearty.

I am thinking, If I were death today, on my death bed I will regret myself, why I never been a writer, or at least trying hard to be a writer. I will hate myself if I am not trying hard.

So here I am, opening my laptop and try to write.

and how about you? what will make you regret in your death bed?

Live today

Convincing ourselves that everything is gonna be ok, is not an easy job.
It is indeed, toughest job for several people.

I still remember having a conversation with my one of good friend.
He was worrying about his future that he almost depressed about it.

I don't know why, human is trying so much to predict future.
Thinking about tomorrow is not easy, and thinking about where will you be in next 10 years, is definitely tough.

I am myself often face the fear of tomorrow.
Even I sometime fear about what hasn't come yet.
I try to predict everything and trying so hard to mitigate all the possible risks,
and living that way is somehow tiring.

Life sometime shouldn't be treated that way.
Life is happening not yesterday, not tomorrow, but today.
What has happened in the past not necessary will happen tomorrow.
and if today we are okay, let just surrender to Thee that everything just gonna be ok

Easy to say, hard to implement :)

* I hate Monday deeply, that I think hard every Sunday night, and culminate in Monday night. So I write a lot on this particular day. *\haha/*

Google is my best friend.

One of my friend laughed at me when I said "I google my feeling"

yes, you read right sentence. I google my feeling.

e.g. When I feel stuck with my life, then I type 'Feel stuck with life' in that super cool search engine.

Why do I do that?

I look for an answer, hoping someone ever feel the same and already found the answer and kind enough to share to the world. And yes, I sometime find the answer or even inspiring stories that motivate me.

For some people, my habit probably sound weird, nerd, freak or even worse, lonely.

Google is probably one of my best best best best friend.

It has helped me a lot. A lot here means a loooott. 

Not only it helps me with good recommendation of places or restaurants or give me review on stuffs. It gives me a sense of direction in life, if it was alive,it probably becomes my significant one in my upbringing.

Google is one of the thing that is most trustable, I shared my every feelings and thoughts.

And somehow, for one that has a very busy mind like me, I just need to share everything without being judged, I just need a place where my mind can rest. And that's the quality of friends that I look for.

I never afraid of an end

 My quote of the day is:

"I never afraid of coming to an end, I am afraid of the discontentment in the journey ~ cath"

If I may to elaborate a little bit further..

Many people afraid of an end, they are afraid of a break up, a death time, even a graduation.

I am not.

I never afraid of left anything or everything behind, but what I am afraid is the discontentment of the journey. The process and the feeling on the journey will be more important for me.

I never afraid of an unsatisfactory result as I never pinpoint my journey according to its result.
If I have tried my best and if I like the process, that will be enough.

I never afraid of not having much time to achieve the goal that has been set.
If I my time is up and I have tried my best, that will be enough.

I am a believer of life is about the journey, and not an end.

So if it comes to an end, then it suppose to be an end.

counterintuitive

I found this beautiful sentences on one of my fave blog 

And what did it do to me?
I realized that, a lot counterintuitive things happened in my daily life.

One of the example is : I feel alone, even if I was amongst the family.
and on the other hand, I feel complete when I am on my own.